Blessed

Hi family!

Yes, you all are family, not just friends and followers. It really does take a tribe, and I couldn’t travel this road without each and every one of you. You lift me up, make my days brighter, and are there for me to “talk” to, even on my hard days. Thank you!

So, Christmas is over. I hope it was a good one for you! For us, it was the first one without my “Nanni” (grandma). It was bitter sweet. It’s so hard to fathom her strong presence not being physically present amongst her earthly family. She was, however, so ready to be done with her broken shell-of-a-body, which was miserably tethering her to her frail life here. To know that she is no longer bound to her sickly, broken body is a blessing! I know she is hanging out at some heavenly beach, soaking up the rays and being happy. That makes my heart smile, even through my tears.

This is also the first year we have, quite literally, been unable to afford even one gift for our children. Somehow, they still had a wonderful day, full of smiles and giggles of glee. We had “Secret Santas” come out of the woodwork, come to our aide, and make this year a special one for the kids. It was even more special for us as parents, because we are well aware it’s only by the grace of God (and friends/family) that we were allowed a “Christmas” at all. Hopefully this next year will find us in a much better place, and we can Pay It Forward in a big way.

What comes next? Gatlinburg. We were blessed with a trip to go visit my brother’s family in Gatlinburg, TN. No, they aren’t FROM TN, they are going there for New Year’s Day. We are soooo looking forward to seeing them again! It is always a good time, and good for the soul, hanging out with them!

After that? I am trying to find an RN job I can do from the house. It is VERY apparent, especially after this last week, that trying to be normal and, you know, walk around, is too taxing on my body. I think, God willing, I can do something from home, though. I need to feel like I am providing for my family and contributing somehow. I’ll get there. I will.

Yes, I am doing the pearl thing, which is fun. I have had the opportunity to meet so many great people! It has afforded me the ability to help pay some of the bills, which is nice. It would be über cool if I could make that a career. Then, I could fizz and shuck part time, yet also work on writing. That would be a dream. #goals – I don’t understand how some people touch a company, and it immediately turns to gold. I touch it, and it barely turns yellow after months of hard work. LOL!

Anyway … I’m off to play with the kids. Andrew has some Legos calling to us. Natalie can’t get her nose out of her DS. LOL! Bye until next time!

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This probably isn’t a good one to read if you need motivation.

I have not disappeared. I’ve had a hard last month or so. My head is not screwed on correctly, but …. I was going to say I’m working on it, but I’m really not. I want to just feel what I want to feel for a bit. I just want to exist in this limbo for awhile, and not be solid.

I feel like I’ve grown up so much in this last – however long it’s been – emotionally. I was definitely a sheltered butterfly, but I got a good spanking from life. It’s not all butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns. But you know what? That’s okay. It has been difficult, sad, hard, but I am a stronger person for it.

I’ve falling back a bit into — I’m just going to say it — self-hatred. That’s really been the hardest part to overcome. People suck, and will let you down in the worst ways, that’s always  a constant. I understand that. People are human. But, it’s hating myself through this process that has been so difficult. 


I am mostly strong, I will mostly persevere, I am mostly a mini beast, but I just need time to not … be.

I understand everyone is going to want to throw help at me. I’m sorry. I really just don’t want it right now. Give me time. I don’t know if I’m going through the grief cycle, but apathy is really where I am right now. I just want to stay numb for a bit.

And, no. It doesn’t matter what happened. Just a bunch of crap back to back. 

I’ll get back to my happy, motivational, perseverance, warrior self. I just need a minute.

I just like the purpley-red eyes.

Love.

My Besties

I am weird. I fully admit this. I’m not like stalker weird, but I do have best friends who don’t realize I am alive, let alone know that we are best friends. Is that crazy?

I might be CrAzY.


I blame my weird friend acquisition completely on social media. A year ago I had friends, friends of the reach-out-and-touch-them variety. I still have these friends, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes life gets all gummed up and in the way. I don’t get to see, or spend time with, my live-in-town friends nearly as often as I would like. I usually can’t call them up and just chat about nothing in general at any given time of the day when I feel bored. They’re busy with their kids’ activities, dinner, life, whatever.

So what did you have for breakfast?


Enter social media. It’s like a world of magic, instant gratification, electronic fairies who make friendships with anyone, at anytime, in any location, in any country possible. At any given moment, I can log onto one of my social media accounts, and the world opens up to me. It’s my oyster, and I’ll take it.

The cyber world is your oyster, man!


Sometimes, I log into a continuous conversation I’m having via Messenger with about eight different people at any given time. I also have my friends who are members of several groups I follow. In these groups, people post things on the “wall.” I can choose to interact with these posts at any time I so desire. Sometimes I’m not even really sure what the group is about. Who cares! There are people (I’m assuming they are people) interacting with me!

I hardly wear makeup. Who cares?!?


Then there is the “liking” of posts. It’s an easy way to say, “Hey, girl, hey! I see your post, and I was here.” Sometimes, I get brave enough to post something on a group’s wall. Sometimes I even get likes in return! It’s like magic! It makes me feel so popular and loved. Do these people know me? Not really! Most of them have no idea what I even look like, but that’s the magic of social media.
But, my bestest of best friends are found as the face of some of the LIVE streams I follow on social media. I have a select few I follow, but I know all there is to (publicly) know about these, my besties! My husband even knows, and refers to them as, “Best friend 2, 3, and 4.” I do have ONE “real” best friend. I’m not THAT much of a whack-a-doo! Best friends 2, 3, and 4 are as real as social media gets, though.

So I have friends on the computer who don’t know I exist. Who cares?!!


Sometimes, they even say my name in response to something I’ve written in the feed of their LIVE show. It’s like they ACTUALLY know me!! I mean, they say my name, out loud, in front of their other gazillion followers. Besties, I tell ya! They really get me.

They accept me as I am.


Okay, it’s slightly possible I’m a little crazy, but doesn’t it feel this way sometimes? There are so many people we follow online these days. We spend so much time reading their blogs or watching their LIVES, it’s like we actually know them. It kind of blurs the line between celebrity and those that watch from behind a screen. Social media allows us to interact with, and know people, like never before.

Who are your best social media friends?

World record holder

Is there a World Record for the world’s clumsiest person? If so, I would like to submit my name for consideration. I don’t know what the verification process entails, but I believe I would win, hands down! Need proof?

Exhibit A: Picture it. It’s 1980. I’m five years old, dressed in a light pink leotard, and barefoot. I’m walking across our groovy brown shag carpet when BOOM! Somehow I manage to step on a toothpick that has been ensnared in the tufts of shagginess that is our carpet. Straight up into the middle of my left foot the toothpick lodges. It takes an ER visit, including a minor surgical procedure, to get the dang stick out of my foot.

Ouch!

Exhibit B: I’m in fourth grade. Our class is walking back to the school building after recess. Out of nowhere a curb shows up to ruin my day. I step off … that’s right, I said I simply stepped off … the stupid thing, twisting my ankle and spraining it really good in the process. Another fun visit to the ER, including crutches and a plaster splint, is needed to fix me this time.

I cannot believe that happened.

Exhibit C: Unknown year. I’m at my grandparents house, which is full of people who have come for some sort of party. I am playing with my cousins, and the random children that have come with their parents to this party for the grown ups. I’m in the kitchen, but I can see a group of kids playing in the backyard. I run from the kitchen, through the front room full of people, and WHAM! I run face first into the sliding glass door. I did not realize it was shut, because I’m awesome like that. I remember lots of blood, and being completely embarrassed by the number of people that witnessed my catastrophe.

Whoops!

Exhibit D: I’m eighteen years old, and I’m at Disney World for the first time. We have just finished eating, and notice a bus about to leave for our hotel. No problem, we’ll run and catch the bus before it leaves. Check that. THEY’LL run and catch the bus. I’ll start to run at full speed toward the bus, but somehow get my feet tangled up with … well, my feet. Down I go, but I don’t just fall. No, I have to be more dramatic than that. I fall and start to bounce and roll across the parking lot. When I finally come to a stop, the entire bus population is looking at me with gaping disbelief. I am mortified.

Bounce and roll!

Exhibit E: Same year. I am at the beach in California, where I have come with my immediate family and my older cousin. We decide to have a swing on a swing set facing the water. Everything is giggles and rainbows, until everyone decides to jump from the swings. They go, one by one, soaring through the air like birds on the wind, before they land perfectly on the sand, maybe ten or fifteen feet in front of the swings. It’s my turn. I’m so confident, I could burst. I let go of the rusted chain of my swing. Up I go … and then immediately down I go. I somehow faceplant under the swing. I will never live this down.

Zziiiip it!


I could go on, but I’ll let those embarrassing moments speak for themselves. I am, in fact, the most clumsy person alive today.
Do you think you are clumsier than me? I don’t think it’s possible, but let’s hear your stories of grand clumsy embarrassment in the comments.
 

Party girl

I love home parties. I mean I LOVE them. It’s quite the addictive problem, actually. I’m not talking about straight-up social gatherings, I’m talking about parties with a purpose. I’ve always been THAT girl. You know, the one that is at every home party I can weasel my way into. That’s me!!

The time spent with friends (usually kid-free!!) where we all bond as we sit, talk, sometimes snack, sometimes imbibe a bit … oh yeah, and play with whatever product is there for the purchasing … it’s close to heaven in my book. It doesn’t even matter what the product is!! I love (insert party name here)!

It’s even become fun as it has progressed to live parties on the internet! You can party from home in your pajamas! You still get to gossip and gab with your “friends” while partying, but now there can be 4K or more of them!! They all become like your best friends that you get to “see” every day. One of the best parts, you don’t have to dress up to impress, because they can’t see you!! All the talking is done à la chatroom style on the computer. The only one that has to show up halfway decent is the hostess!

I’ve been to them all! Multiple makeup parties, jewelry parties, scrapbooking, cooking, oysters, clothes, home accents, candles, books full of randomness, stamping, bags … you name it, I’ve probably been to it in one form or another. I’m a bit of a home party junkie.
The only problem comes toward the end of the party when the hostess inevitably says, “I’d love to have you join my team!” My gut reaction is, “YES!!” I’ve usually had so much fun that I have bought into the whole experience. I want to LIVE at these parties! I want to have fun like this ALL THE TIME! I rationalize it to myself, and have an internal battle about how I can make it work.
But, realistically, it won’t work for me.

Why can’t I just do them all?!?

Here are a few reasons I have to take a step back, and talk myself off the party-joining ledge:

  1. I am not a social-butterfly. Although I enjoy these parties, outgoing, extrovert is not my forte. I enjoy being talked to, not being the one doing the talking. 
  2. I’m just going to say it: My friends are cheap. I don’t understand, but they all HATE home parties. If they can’t get something at less-than wholesale, it ain’t happening. I still love them, I just wish they enjoyed my proclivity toward the home party experience.
  3. I hate conflict. It’s all fine and dandy … until somebody wants to make a return or has a problem with the product. I take it too personally. I recently tried to resell some things I don’t use anymore on a popular resale site. Just that experience had me in the corner, curled up in the fetal position. People get MEAN when they think you’ve purposefully done something they don’t like!! I couldn’t deal with that all the time.
  4. Let’s face it, some of the things aren’t really marketable. Don’t get me wrong, I still love going to the parties, but I’ve found myself saying under my breath, “This product really sucks,” or “Why, out of all the businesses out there, would you choose this one?” The things that ARE marketable are super-saturated in the marketplace … and I’m not outgoing enough to be the one out of 5,000 that stands out.
  5. Have you seen the start-up cost to join some of these businesses? I will say, the better the product, the higher the start-up fees. I have found this to be the case. I can’t, however, miss five months of rent to gamble on a product … and really gamble on myself … that may or may not pan out.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve signed on that dotted line a few times. I’ve tried to make it work. 

Always, nope. Always.

I am meant to be the supportive party girl who always shows up. I am not, much to my chagrin, meant to sell. That’s okay, though. The world needs both kinds of people!

Are you a presenter or party girl (or guy)? Tell us about your product of choice in the comments.

It’s my blog. I can vent if I want to.

Some days are hard. Living in this broken body sucks more than you know. It’s more broken than some of you will ever understand. I will never, ever see people that knew me before. I mean, of course I will see the people around here. I have no choice in that. But, I will never go back and see those that knew me before. I can’t walk right. I can’t run. I can’t even hop. I can’t walk upstairs without help, I can’t walk downstairs without help. I have trouble writing, and I have trouble with all hand eye coordination activities. I talk with a slur. I get worn out very quickly. I look different. It breaks my heart a little. 

I know everybody is probably sick of me talking about it. But, It is what it is. I want to go back in time about 10 years. I want to be friends with, and know people from before. It just isn’t going to happen.

I’m not excusing it at all, but I sort of don’t blame people or persons for things that have happened recently. Who knows, if it was me, it might’ve happened too. I take that back. It most definitely would not have happened. I can understand though. I am so broken, it’s hard to be around me. I’m not the same person.

I mean, I am exactly the same person inside, but outside I am broken. On the outside I am a freak show.

I know, I know. Beauty is on the inside, not on the outside. But, let’s be honest, that’s bull crap. Maybe I am still cool on the inside. But, I’m so messed up on the outside it’s hard to see the inside.

It makes me sad. It makes me mad. And just couple that with recent events. I am a mess.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the way I acted and the way I was when I was younger that has caused this. Not caused this really, but maybe it’s the reason this has been allowed. I was mean, I was cruel, I was uncaring, I was a bit narcissistic. I was awful. If you were in the path of that, I truly am sorry. I did it out of bad self-esteem and self loathing. That doesn’t excuse it. But, again, it is what what it is.

OK, let’s end this on a positive note. The sun is shining, I am alive, I have kids that love me. I’ll get through it like always, it’s just a bad day. I am feeling very very very very broken.

💜💜

Sicky sick, Father’s Day, and wormholes

I have been so, so sick this weekend. Thank God J made me go to the doctor in Friday, because it would have only gotten worse, and I can’t imagine much worse. Everyone else had allergies, but thanks to Imuran (my immunosuppressant), it turned into bronchitis with a weird ear infection in the ear I can’t feel. Then I mixed that up with a little puking, and it just rounded out an otherwise boring weekend. I have to mix it up a bit sometimes. Now, I’m done with my turn on the Ferris wheel 🎡 of sickness. It’s somebody else’s turn to take a ride! (Nobody at this house!!)

This is what sick looks like.

So, once again, I am way behind in every aspect of writing in my life. But, guess what … it’s okay! It a new week, time for new starts!!
Father’s Day and Andrew’s birthday are coming up. Poor Andrew. It was on the eve of his birthday I first went to the Randolph ER by ambulance. (What a frickin joke all around.) So, I want to do something special for him this year. We don’t have the $$ to do what he wants (Wonderworks in Pigeon Forge). He has wanted that the last 2 birthdays, and thanks to ME, we can’t go. How do I break that to him again?!? And, what the heck do I do instead that’s fun, but cheap (or free is better)?

I mean, Come on!! How do I say, “We can’t afford it this year,” to that?!?

What about Father’s Day? Here’s where I get weird and superstitious. I had the perfect idea for my dad last year, even bought all the components, and then BOOM! Life changed. He never got his gift. And, J’s gift was spending time with me in the hospital. Yes, I’m scared. Yes, I’m stupid for being superstitious, but neither one is getting a gift until AFTER Father’s Day this year. I also have no idea for J. Neither of them are MEN MEN. Hunting, fishing, grilling, sports, all a nope for both of them. 

I don’t have a decent picture of them together, so here is a good reminder.

So I was looking around Facebook, at different sites, blogs, and pictures for ideas regarding this upcoming week? MAN!! There are some wormholes up in Facebook land!! I was reading (too long) about beets, and that brought me to bath bombs and crafts, which led me to house fires and sweet tea, which led me to Eddie Vedder (it ALWAYS comes back to Eddie Vedder), which lead me to Chris Cornell. Sad way to end my search, but it was 12:00am when I started. When I looked up, it was 3am!! What?!? Wormholes. They get you every time!! AND … I still have no idea what the week will bring!! It will be a surprise for all of us. 

Well, I have a date with dreamland! Until next time. Pay that stuff forward!! Be happy … life is to short. Make others happy. There is absolutely no need to bring others down. Remember, those that are abrasive with you are people too. You never know what they are going through in the background. Your’s may be the only smile and kind word they have all day. ❤️

See you there!!

Motivation, or lack thereof 

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Sorry about the language, if that’s offensive to you. I know this says Friday, but this is really any day for me. I have been sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. Not getting up. Not getting my coffee. Not kicking the day in the junk. I’ve just been sleeping.

For instance, I slept from about 2am until 12pm-ish today, stayed up (but in bed) until 3pm-ish, then woke up at 7pm. I had to force myself up, force myself to function. I really think ten months of these four walls is getting to me. I just don’t have the desire to do anything anymore. I have to have an internal FIGHT to drag myself up to do anything.

I was so desperate this evening, I called my dad to ask him if I could just ride with him to do his nightly errands. It was joyous just to get out, to just be human for a couple hours. It made me a different person for awhile when I got home.

(The skies burst while we were out. It was glorious!)

I actually had the desire and the energy to write an article for one of the sites I write for. This is a site that usually intimidates the crap out of me. I’m usually afraid to submit anything, for fear of looking like an imposter, and a freakish failure. But, after getting out, I felt like giving it a go. So I did. 

I wish I could keep this motivation up. I want to write for each of the two sites I submit to once a day, write on this blog daily, and work on the writing of a book daily. Then, somewhere in there, I want to work on my mom’s website, her Facebook, her Instagram, and help my dad with his social media. I could do it all. It’s just getting my butt up, not sleeping all day, and getting motivated. 

If I was more dang intentional about using my dang EC planner, it might help motivate me. If I could drive, it would be ON! I could actually get out of these four walls, and work on some of this somewhere other than here. Here. Here. Always Here.

Guess what. It’s 2am again. So far, I’m falling into the same pattern! LOL! I can’t help it. I do actually write better at night. More ideas come to me in the dark.

Anyone else this way? Am I just abi-normal? (Does anybody but me get that reference?)

Saturday … not the lazy kind

Anxiety is at an all-time high tonight. Not sure why. It started slowly. Let’s backtrack, shall we?

Spring in NC

I went to the Carolina Romance Writers meeting today. It was intensely overwhelming. I know it’s more about networking at this point (because me, the introvert, is so great at it), but it made me want to do everything right now. Luckily I have someone to guide me, but I’m freaking out a little. Everyone asked me, “What do you write?” Uh, nothing really. LOL! Then there were all these genres. How the heck do I know where I fall in there, let alone what each genre is? Anyhoo. I am an immediate satisfaction person. I want it all, and I want it now! 😁

On our way to Charlotte.

 
Which brings me to my next topic. I need a freaking niche for this Blog. I want it to be informative on some level, not just all about me and my life. Nobody’s going to follow that. Kaleigh has makeup, Holly has everything kids, Jamie has everything pop culture, Courtney has makeup, April has food, Christa has nails … I want something! I want to brand myself. I want to open a store with my merch … that sells. I want to Facebook Live with followers. I think this is part of the root of my anxiety tonight. I want to be doing something productive, to have a purpose, to have a brand, to have followers, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I want to make money at it.

I have no other pictures on my phone but me and stuff that is probably copyrighted

I mean, I can write …. I am by no means a Kaleigh or Mary … but I can write. That doesn’t really pay the bills, though. I want affiliates that seek me out! I’d love to be a Colleen Hoover type (look her up). She basically gets to do whatever she wants, and gives thousands of dollars a month to random charities. She also gets to just give stuff away. So awesome! And affiliates seek her out. Okay, I’m assuming this, but I’m sure it happens.

I guess I’m just at a major crossroads, and I need some major guidance.

Slight subject change. Do you know how awful it felt to have to have been chauffeured to the meeting today. And then once I got there, I could hardly take notes, because my dang brain wouldn’t let my hand work correctly. So frustrating!! I want to do that Live on bullet journaling, but my hand won’t work to make it pretty. I took notes (or tried) in bullet-style today, and it was so frustrating! It looked awful, and if I go back to read it, I know I won’t be able to read most of it. Grrrr!

Guide me, oh wise ones

Throw me some comments with some suggestions below. 

Remember to be kind.

Go find my stuff on Totally the Bomb. At least I’ll feel a little accomplished if you read that. 🙂

Days of fun

Lately I do this FUN thing where, when someone really asks me how I’m doing, I start to cry. What the heck! How embarrassing is this. I mean, I can pull off the, “I’m fine,” with no problem. It’s when someone really, sincerely asks me, I lose it. It might be possible I am shoving some of this deep down, and ignoring the fact that sometimes I don’t feel I’m getting any better. 

Stroke picture

Yep. I’ve still got deficits. Deal with it!


You know, when it gets too far past an event, and people forget, don’t care, or just don’t want to hear it anymore. That’s where I am, in that awkward stage of limbo … not nearly well, but “sick” for too long. No, I’m not okay, but nobody wants to head that. In my head they are rolling their eyes and thinking “Gosh, she is always so dang negative!” I don’t want to be that person. So I stay cooped up in my house so people don’t have to see me, talk to me, and face the elephant in the room … the one that says I am 42 and can’t be normal. I can’t drive, walk, take care of my kids, heck … hold my fricken bladder (keeping it real). I don’t look like I used to. Not only has the fricken Prednisone made me FAT, it has changed my features a bit. 

Blah

Beautiful weather

Today was the perfect day, I would have missed if Stella hadn’t run off.


I hate complaining. I am lucky I’m still here. I’m lucky I get to be around my wild children. I’m lucky my dog ran off today, forcing me to sit outside with the sun, the blue sky, the breeze, and all the beauty. It felt good just to breathe the fresh air (Crisis averted, by the way … mom came out of her house and got the dog). I’m lucky I still have friends that check on me, and love me without expecting anything in return.

In other news … someone give me something else to talk about!!!

I knew if I took a day off writing, it would be hard to get back into it. I’m not talking about writing a blog, I’m talking about writing articles or my 5000 word experiment. I was going to start project get-up-early and get-things-done today. Nope!! ROTFL! –That’s not exactly true. I did try to pick up in the front room  a little, and I had two guests over for a bit. So, I did SOMETHING more than I usually do. But I had a list of like 20 things to do. I checked off like 2 things. Oh well, you know what, at least I checked off two things. I didn’t sleep all day … that’s better than I usually do!! Tomorrow is a new day. I have OT early, so maybe TOMORROW is the day I will start to get stuff done!! 

I know long blogs are boring, so I will end here. Remember to stay kind. When you want to get exasperated with somebody remember, they are human too with their own things going on. How can you help them instead of being frustrated with them? 💜