Stella

It happened fast. You were okay on Saturday, your normal self. You got sick Sunday morning about 10am, and you were gone before noon on Monday.

This hurts. You were there during my strokes, as a companion when everyone else had to leave. You were only cuddly on your terms, but you were a constant. We had much the same personality in that way.

You were there through my dark days last year, when it felt like the world was crumbling from beneath me. You were here every day keeping me sane, when all I could do was be stuck in this house. There wasn’t a night or day I slept without you curled up by my side. I couldn’t be in a room without you right there … even the bathroom. You were right there with me almost every time I went LIVE on Facebook.

When I was on my bed, you would nose and dig the covers until you were right next to me. When I was in the kitchen, you stood guard on a towel at the doorway. When I was getting a shower, you would wait patiently on the mat for me to get out. When I was folding clothes, you would knock them all over and get on top of them, EVERY TIME.

I know you were just a dog. But, you weren’t. You were my constant companion. My tiny rock. I could depend on you to always, always be there with your sassy attitude, and your unwavering, unconditional love.

You chose me three-and-a-half years ago, and although people thought I was insane, I’m so glad you did.

We all have already shed countless tears, and I’m sure we will shed countless more. We love you. I love you. I don’t know what we will do without you. I don’t understand, I can’t fathom, why this had to happen, but you were in such miserable pain at the end. I hope you were okay with the choices we had to make, some of the toughest we’ve ever had to make. I hope you know exactly how much you were, and always will be loved. I’ll miss you tonight as I sleep without you here, and I’ll miss you always. πŸ’”

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Blessed

Hi family!

Yes, you all are family, not just friends and followers. It really does take a tribe, and I couldn’t travel this road without each and every one of you. You lift me up, make my days brighter, and are there for me to “talk” to, even on my hard days. Thank you!

So, Christmas is over. I hope it was a good one for you! For us, it was the first one without my “Nanni” (grandma). It was bitter sweet. It’s so hard to fathom her strong presence not being physically present amongst her earthly family. She was, however, so ready to be done with her broken shell-of-a-body, which was miserably tethering her to her frail life here. To know that she is no longer bound to her sickly, broken body is a blessing! I know she is hanging out at some heavenly beach, soaking up the rays and being happy. That makes my heart smile, even through my tears.

This is also the first year we have, quite literally, been unable to afford even one gift for our children. Somehow, they still had a wonderful day, full of smiles and giggles of glee. We had “Secret Santas” come out of the woodwork, come to our aide, and make this year a special one for the kids. It was even more special for us as parents, because we are well aware it’s only by the grace of God (and friends/family) that we were allowed a “Christmas” at all. Hopefully this next year will find us in a much better place, and we can Pay It Forward in a big way.

What comes next? Gatlinburg. We were blessed with a trip to go visit my brother’s family in Gatlinburg, TN. No, they aren’t FROM TN, they are going there for New Year’s Day. We are soooo looking forward to seeing them again! It is always a good time, and good for the soul, hanging out with them!

After that? I am trying to find an RN job I can do from the house. It is VERY apparent, especially after this last week, that trying to be normal and, you know, walk around, is too taxing on my body. I think, God willing, I can do something from home, though. I need to feel like I am providing for my family and contributing somehow. I’ll get there. I will.

Yes, I am doing the pearl thing, which is fun. I have had the opportunity to meet so many great people! It has afforded me the ability to help pay some of the bills, which is nice. It would be ΓΌber cool if I could make that a career. Then, I could fizz and shuck part time, yet also work on writing. That would be a dream. #goals – I don’t understand how some people touch a company, and it immediately turns to gold. I touch it, and it barely turns yellow after months of hard work. LOL!

Anyway … I’m off to play with the kids. Andrew has some Legos calling to us. Natalie can’t get her nose out of her DS. LOL! Bye until next time!

Hello. Is there anybody out there?

It has recently come to my attention that I have not written in a while. I think I have been avoiding it.

My body is about the same. I’m on oral immunosuppressants. This is in place of the chemo I did last year. They are great (I’m lying). Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just quit taking all the medication they have me on. Sixteen pills a day, down to none. I mean, the doctors admit they don’t know if the pills are really helping. They are, however, killing my liver. Bonus, they may give me blood cancer down the line. I’m going to be honest, lately I have been obsessed with trying that cannabis oil that doesn’t make you high. A few drops under my tongue, and I’m good. I wonder if it would work.

Mentally, I am a bit unstable. I try to keep my spirits up, I really do try, but this gets SO OLD. I want to just flail and kick and force everything to just work out. I want to work again. I don’t want to be stuck, like a slug, waiting for life to just happen to me. I am not that person. I do the LIVE pearl thing to keep sane, and feel like I’m at least a functioning member of the household, but it’s all smoke and mirrors.

I just happened to turn on my phone today while I was sitting in the parking lot at the bank. I had been trying to find and gather together change to deposit, in an attempt to keep us from over drafting again. I happened to turn on a Facebook Live feed, I don’t know why, that was just starting. He didn’t say anything I haven’t heard before. He didn’t give some great revelation that I haven’t been preached at countless times in the last year and a half. It just hit me differently today. He said, “It may seem dark right now. You may be in a winter. But, this is a season. It will pass. I promise you, it will pass.” As I sat there with pennies and nickles in my hand, prepared to go in and make a measly deposit to save our banking account, the words hit me like a brick to the head. This is a season. It sucks now. It is awful now. It is the lowest of the lows now. But, we will get through this. It will eventually take an upturn. Please, God, it has to take an upturn.img_1553-1

So, to anyone that needs to hear it … You WILL get through this. It sucks now. I know it sucks. The season will end, though. This is but a season. It is the winter, and spring always follows.

I love you all.

Find me on Facebook: mommapossum

 

World record holder

Is there a World Record for the world’s clumsiest person? If so, I would like to submit my name for consideration. I don’t know what the verification process entails, but I believe I would win, hands down! Need proof?

Exhibit A: Picture it. It’s 1980. I’m five years old, dressed in a light pink leotard, and barefoot. I’m walking across our groovy brown shag carpet when BOOM! Somehow I manage to step on a toothpick that has been ensnared in the tufts of shagginess that is our carpet. Straight up into the middle of my left foot the toothpick lodges. It takes an ER visit, including a minor surgical procedure, to get the dang stick out of my foot.

Ouch!

Exhibit B: I’m in fourth grade. Our class is walking back to the school building after recess. Out of nowhere a curb shows up to ruin my day. I step off … that’s right, I said I simply stepped off … the stupid thing, twisting my ankle and spraining it really good in the process. Another fun visit to the ER, including crutches and a plaster splint, is needed to fix me this time.

I cannot believe that happened.

Exhibit C: Unknown year. I’m at my grandparents house, which is full of people who have come for some sort of party. I am playing with my cousins, and the random children that have come with their parents to this party for the grown ups. I’m in the kitchen, but I can see a group of kids playing in the backyard. I run from the kitchen, through the front room full of people, and WHAM! I run face first into the sliding glass door. I did not realize it was shut, because I’m awesome like that. I remember lots of blood, and being completely embarrassed by the number of people that witnessed my catastrophe.

Whoops!

Exhibit D: I’m eighteen years old, and I’m at Disney World for the first time. We have just finished eating, and notice a bus about to leave for our hotel. No problem, we’ll run and catch the bus before it leaves. Check that. THEY’LL run and catch the bus. I’ll start to run at full speed toward the bus, but somehow get my feet tangled up with … well, my feet. Down I go, but I don’t just fall. No, I have to be more dramatic than that. I fall and start to bounce and roll across the parking lot. When I finally come to a stop, the entire bus population is looking at me with gaping disbelief. I am mortified.

Bounce and roll!

Exhibit E: Same year. I am at the beach in California, where I have come with my immediate family and my older cousin. We decide to have a swing on a swing set facing the water. Everything is giggles and rainbows, until everyone decides to jump from the swings. They go, one by one, soaring through the air like birds on the wind, before they land perfectly on the sand, maybe ten or fifteen feet in front of the swings. It’s my turn. I’m so confident, I could burst. I let go of the rusted chain of my swing. Up I go … and then immediately down I go. I somehow faceplant under the swing. I will never live this down.

Zziiiip it!


I could go on, but I’ll let those embarrassing moments speak for themselves. I am, in fact, the most clumsy person alive today.
Do you think you are clumsier than me? I don’t think it’s possible, but let’s hear your stories of grand clumsy embarrassment in the comments.
 

It’s my blog. I can vent if I want to.

Some days are hard. Living in this broken body sucks more than you know. It’s more broken than some of you will ever understand. I will never, ever see people that knew me before. I mean, of course I will see the people around here. I have no choice in that. But, I will never go back and see those that knew me before. I can’t walk right. I can’t run. I can’t even hop. I can’t walk upstairs without help, I can’t walk downstairs without help. I have trouble writing, and I have trouble with all hand eye coordination activities. I talk with a slur. I get worn out very quickly. I look different. It breaks my heart a little. 

I know everybody is probably sick of me talking about it. But, It is what it is. I want to go back in time about 10 years. I want to be friends with, and know people from before. It just isn’t going to happen.

I’m not excusing it at all, but I sort of don’t blame people or persons for things that have happened recently. Who knows, if it was me, it might’ve happened too. I take that back. It most definitely would not have happened. I can understand though. I am so broken, it’s hard to be around me. I’m not the same person.

I mean, I am exactly the same person inside, but outside I am broken. On the outside I am a freak show.

I know, I know. Beauty is on the inside, not on the outside. But, let’s be honest, that’s bull crap. Maybe I am still cool on the inside. But, I’m so messed up on the outside it’s hard to see the inside.

It makes me sad. It makes me mad. And just couple that with recent events. I am a mess.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the way I acted and the way I was when I was younger that has caused this. Not caused this really, but maybe it’s the reason this has been allowed. I was mean, I was cruel, I was uncaring, I was a bit narcissistic. I was awful. If you were in the path of that, I truly am sorry. I did it out of bad self-esteem and self loathing. That doesn’t excuse it. But, again, it is what what it is.

OK, let’s end this on a positive note. The sun is shining, I am alive, I have kids that love me. I’ll get through it like always, it’s just a bad day. I am feeling very very very very broken.

πŸ’œπŸ’œ

Sicky sick, Father’s Day, and wormholes

I have been so, so sick this weekend. Thank God J made me go to the doctor in Friday, because it would have only gotten worse, and I can’t imagine much worse. Everyone else had allergies, but thanks to Imuran (my immunosuppressant), it turned into bronchitis with a weird ear infection in the ear I can’t feel. Then I mixed that up with a little puking, and it just rounded out an otherwise boring weekend. I have to mix it up a bit sometimes. Now, I’m done with my turn on the Ferris wheel 🎑 of sickness. It’s somebody else’s turn to take a ride! (Nobody at this house!!)

This is what sick looks like.

So, once again, I am way behind in every aspect of writing in my life. But, guess what … it’s okay! It a new week, time for new starts!!
Father’s Day and Andrew’s birthday are coming up. Poor Andrew. It was on the eve of his birthday I first went to the Randolph ER by ambulance. (What a frickin joke all around.) So, I want to do something special for him this year. We don’t have the $$ to do what he wants (Wonderworks in Pigeon Forge). He has wanted that the last 2 birthdays, and thanks to ME, we can’t go. How do I break that to him again?!? And, what the heck do I do instead that’s fun, but cheap (or free is better)?

I mean, Come on!! How do I say, “We can’t afford it this year,” to that?!?

What about Father’s Day? Here’s where I get weird and superstitious. I had the perfect idea for my dad last year, even bought all the components, and then BOOM! Life changed. He never got his gift. And, J’s gift was spending time with me in the hospital. Yes, I’m scared. Yes, I’m stupid for being superstitious, but neither one is getting a gift until AFTER Father’s Day this year. I also have no idea for J. Neither of them are MEN MEN. Hunting, fishing, grilling, sports, all a nope for both of them. 

I don’t have a decent picture of them together, so here is a good reminder.

So I was looking around Facebook, at different sites, blogs, and pictures for ideas regarding this upcoming week? MAN!! There are some wormholes up in Facebook land!! I was reading (too long) about beets, and that brought me to bath bombs and crafts, which led me to house fires and sweet tea, which led me to Eddie Vedder (it ALWAYS comes back to Eddie Vedder), which lead me to Chris Cornell. Sad way to end my search, but it was 12:00am when I started. When I looked up, it was 3am!! What?!? Wormholes. They get you every time!! AND … I still have no idea what the week will bring!! It will be a surprise for all of us. 

Well, I have a date with dreamland! Until next time. Pay that stuff forward!! Be happy … life is to short. Make others happy. There is absolutely no need to bring others down. Remember, those that are abrasive with you are people too. You never know what they are going through in the background. Your’s may be the only smile and kind word they have all day. ❀️

See you there!!

Was it that bad?

I guess the cliche thing to do this time of year is reflect on the previous year. Was it good? Was it bad? 

My gut reaction is: It was a horrible year, the worst yet. I had FIVE strokes (that we know of), I had to take an extended leave from my really good OR nursing job, I went from having a full-time income to no income, I can barely walk, J has been unable to take the CPA test because of me, my kids have been hugely affected by this, I have to spend a lot of time in bed, I’ve gained +50 pounds because of prednisone and my inability to workout …

Not mine, but a laugh every time I see it, because it’s so true!!


The griping and negativity can go on.

But, then I had a thought …

I could have died from any one of the strokes, but didn’t. I get a mini vacation from what was turning into a completely stressful job. I’m learning the value of a dollar, and being forced to budget. I get to say I learned to walk TWICE. J has been available to take care of me in a way that he wouldn’t be able to if he were working a full-time accounting job. My kids value their time with me … they love me no matter what. I’m slowly learning to eat right and do small exercises with my PT and OT therapists. I’ve met many wonderful “friends” being confined to bed … therefore being confined to social media (shout out to Poise Chat!).

We have had people come out of the woodwork to bless and help us.

Once I changed my negative thinking …

2016 was one of the best years yet. 

I have life. I have a great family. I have people that love and support us.

Here’s hoping 2017 proves to be great! Here’s to getting better, going back to work, J taking the CPA test, and who knows what else.


I hate hate hate cliche, but NEW YEAR, NEW ME. HERE’S TO FRESH STARTS!!

(Just let me get through the next two weeks of Lumbar Punctures, Therapist visits, Doctor visits, Sleep Study, and Chemo infusion!!) πŸ˜‚ 

Post Thanksgiving Gobbldy-Gook

Thanksgiving has come and gone. I have to admit, it was better than I ever expected. I was very nervous about 14 people being under one roof, and I wasn’t having the best day coordiantaion wise, but it turned out great! 

Maybe I’m just seeing through rose-colored glasses, but everyone interacted and got along! There was genuine laughing. I had the best visit I’ve ever had with my beautiful cousin (I am so so proud of how far she’s come!! She is planning on going to nursing school, everyone pray for her. She would be SO good at it, a natural nurturer!). 

I was actually sad to see this Thanksgiving come to an end! 

Blessed Beyond Belief


But all good things must come to an end.

Black Friday, while all you crazy people went out to try to find your Hatchimals, I stayed home and rested!! And rested. And rested.

Then I went LIVE on Facebook, sort of a trial run, to help my mom (Claudia’s Carolina Creations) with her bracelets. I was very nervous about it, because people tend to not understand me when I talk. Also, sometimes my right hand doesn’t work properly. Miraculously, it turned out well. You can watch the replay for yourself (via her VIP Group)! I did get really tired about 1/2 way through, so it did get cut a bit short, but I think the flow was still great!! Join her Facebook page here to join in the fun!

I’m also in the middle of 7 days of deals with Younique. I’m not a pushy sales person. I got the presenters kit for the makeup. I knew there was no further obligation, so I thought, “What the heck?” But, then I liked the makeup, so I decided if I stayed active and sold a little, I would at least be contributing a little to my family income while I’m stuck at home dealing with the stroke junk. If YOU like makeup (and I do not get a cut on this), kits right now are $99. There is NO further obligation, unless you WANT to sell, and through November 30th, there is FREE SHIPPING on the kits ($211 worth of product!!). It’s at least looking into! Even more comes with the kit now than when I purchased it!! 

(Also, please join my VIP Facebook group. 😊 I would love to have you!)

So now it’s today. My parents made me get out of the house, and go to The Craftsmen’s Classic in Greensboro. Truth be told, I’m glad I went. I’m pooped. Just getting out in all that stimulation wears me plumb out, but I feel refreshed in my soul. I got to enjoy it with my kids, and even though I was stuck in a wheelchair, they got to spend time with Mommy. I think it is good to have that semi-normalcy with them as often as possible (Unfortunately, J had to work. πŸ˜•)

My Two Crazies at the Craftsmens Classic


Now, I’m in my bed, drinking coffee/chocolate, burning a delicious Vanilla Snowflake candle from Bath and Body Works (thanks to a very special Christmas Angel), spending time with my sleeping dog, and watching a sappy Christmas movie on Hallmark. The kids are spending the night with Grammy and Grampy, and I’m waiting on J to get off work. Life is good.

Starbucks coffee, with hot chocolate mixed in, and fruity marshmallows


I just realized I have a follow-up with my wonderful Neurologist at Duke on Monday. I have no idea how I’m going to get there, but I still have one more day to worry about it. I’m going to enjoy my day of worry-free living.

I’ll enjoy today, and worry about tomorrow when it comes!


Oh my goodness!! I’m so excited! I also just realized the Be the Light Advent starts tomorrow too!! The first task is to share socks with a rescue mission! If you can’t do that, what other way can you brighten someone’s day? There are a million things you can do!! Check out the advent calendar for ideas, or make up your own!! You can post pictures if you want (either in the comments here, or on the Momma Possum Facebook page). I know it would encourage others!!

So, what idea do you have for Christmas gifts? I need inexpensive this year. I have some ideas, but my ideas usually end up looking like Pinterest Fails, instead of wonderful, collectible gifts. I want this to be a memorable and happy Christmas for everybody. 

Okay. Throw your ideas for gifts in the comments. Throw your pictures of random acts of happiness in the comments. Check out all the stuff I linked (I’m not sponsored by anyone). And, above all else, be kind to everyone this holiday season and EVERY day! It will make your life happier, and the world a better place!! 

Truth

Good Weeks

Hello, My Lovlies!

I have had such a good two weeks! I feel so accomplished, rested, and refreshed.

We received a “free” trip to Tennessee, thanks to my parents. I’ve already touched on this with my picture slide post, but they got a two-bedroom condo and invited us up!


I got to spend quality time with my family … Even making them breakfast and lunch several times!

She wanted to have a “scared” look on her face. She’s really having fun. Don’t believe her for a second!!

We actually got treated to a meal out at The Mellow Mushroom at The Holler at Ole Smoky on the Gatlinburg strip. This is one of my Happy Places. 

Thanks, Mom and Dad

I got to watch Nat win one of her volleyball matches at the YMCA. She has improved so much in four short weeks! I am one proud momma!!

#olympics2020 πŸ˜‚

I’ve walked and stood more in the last two weeks than I ever have thus far. I’m totally paying for it now, by being unsteady and tired, but it was worth every minute. I know I can be semi-human for short bursts.

I’ve been able to work on my MommaPossum Facebook page a bit. I’ve been able to work a bit on my Younique (I love this makeup!!). I’ve been able to help my mom a bit with her Facebook and Website. I’ve been working on my Instagram (amandamoring). I’ve also worked on the Asheboro Mom’s Facebook group. It has been a very productive 2 weeks. 

(It’s actually refreshing to list everything I’ve accomplished! It makes it feel like I’ve done more than I think I have! Try it!)

Friday I go back to chemo. 

Chemo is no bueno


If it’s anything like the last two times, I’ll be weepy, tired, and out of commission for two-and-a-half to three weeks. As always, I’ll try to keep positive, but it’s three times as hard when I constantly worry about every little symptom that pops up.

I know now that the chemo brings on more symptoms, so I shouldn’t be as scared. I don’t want to downplay anyone and their REAL problems (I don’t feel my  problems are real), but myPhysical Therapist says I have a form of PTSD. I FREAK whenever I have a stroke symptom intensify, or whenever I get a headache (that’s how his whole mess started). I mean, I don’t necessarily outwardly freak out, but my body goes haywire … Sort of like going into fight or flight mode. 

BUT, now I know to expect a bit of that with the chemo.

If you have any questions about any of this, feel free to ask. It doesn’t offend me. I’d rather have you know than just guess.

In other news: 

The Holidays are here y’all!! 

It’s The Holidays!!! Ready or not!

My favorite time of year! I think I’m gonna start featuring some locally sold (small business) products each post. We all could use a little local. 
You can start with my business at the top of this blog. 😊 Or here is another: 

Susan Kinsey sells Jamberry Nail Products. Check her out! They make great stocking stuffers, or buy some sets as gifts. 

OKAY: Make sure to to subscribe and Like this page. Like me on Instagram (amandamoring). Follow and Like me on Facebook: MommaPossum – and my Facebook Younique group (Younique Amanda). Come grow with me!!