Hello. Is there anybody out there?

It has recently come to my attention that I have not written in a while. I think I have been avoiding it.

My body is about the same. I’m on oral immunosuppressants. This is in place of the chemo I did last year. They are great (I’m lying). Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just quit taking all the medication they have me on. Sixteen pills a day, down to none. I mean, the doctors admit they don’t know if the pills are really helping. They are, however, killing my liver. Bonus, they may give me blood cancer down the line. I’m going to be honest, lately I have been obsessed with trying that cannabis oil that doesn’t make you high. A few drops under my tongue, and I’m good. I wonder if it would work.

Mentally, I am a bit unstable. I try to keep my spirits up, I really do try, but this gets SO OLD. I want to just flail and kick and force everything to just work out. I want to work again. I don’t want to be stuck, like a slug, waiting for life to just happen to me. I am not that person. I do the LIVE pearl thing to keep sane, and feel like I’m at least a functioning member of the household, but it’s all smoke and mirrors.

I just happened to turn on my phone today while I was sitting in the parking lot at the bank. I had been trying to find and gather together change to deposit, in an attempt to keep us from over drafting again. I happened to turn on a Facebook Live feed, I don’t know why, that was just starting. He didn’t say anything I haven’t heard before. He didn’t give some great revelation that I haven’t been preached at countless times in the last year and a half. It just hit me differently today. He said, “It may seem dark right now. You may be in a winter. But, this is a season. It will pass. I promise you, it will pass.” As I sat there with pennies and nickles in my hand, prepared to go in and make a measly deposit to save our banking account, the words hit me like a brick to the head. This is a season. It sucks now. It is awful now. It is the lowest of the lows now. But, we will get through this. It will eventually take an upturn. Please, God, it has to take an upturn.img_1553-1

So, to anyone that needs to hear it … You WILL get through this. It sucks now. I know it sucks. The season will end, though. This is but a season. It is the winter, and spring always follows.

I love you all.

Find me on Facebook: mommapossum

 

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This probably isn’t a good one to read if you need motivation.

I have not disappeared. I’ve had a hard last month or so. My head is not screwed on correctly, but …. I was going to say I’m working on it, but I’m really not. I want to just feel what I want to feel for a bit. I just want to exist in this limbo for awhile, and not be solid.

I feel like I’ve grown up so much in this last – however long it’s been – emotionally. I was definitely a sheltered butterfly, but I got a good spanking from life. It’s not all butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns. But you know what? That’s okay. It has been difficult, sad, hard, but I am a stronger person for it.

I’ve falling back a bit into — I’m just going to say it — self-hatred. That’s really been the hardest part to overcome. People suck, and will let you down in the worst ways, that’s always  a constant. I understand that. People are human. But, it’s hating myself through this process that has been so difficult. 


I am mostly strong, I will mostly persevere, I am mostly a mini beast, but I just need time to not … be.

I understand everyone is going to want to throw help at me. I’m sorry. I really just don’t want it right now. Give me time. I don’t know if I’m going through the grief cycle, but apathy is really where I am right now. I just want to stay numb for a bit.

And, no. It doesn’t matter what happened. Just a bunch of crap back to back. 

I’ll get back to my happy, motivational, perseverance, warrior self. I just need a minute.

I just like the purpley-red eyes.

Love.

9th Planet

So, no biggie, there might be a ninth planet in our solar system. WHAT?!? I would say there IS a ninth planet, but it has yet to actually be seen.
No, I’m not talking about poor, downgraded to dwarf planet, Pluto (don’t worry, Pluto, I still believe in you). I’m talking about the “hidden” planet known as Ninth Planet.

What?!?


If it’s hidden, you ask, how then do we know there is (might be) a ninth planet out there? This sneaky, huge planet is leaving a trail. 

What kind of a trail? Can I see it?


Astronomers, including Mike “Pluto Killer” Brown (the scientist who embarrassed poor Pluto by discrediting it as a “real” planet), think they have found its orbital pattern, which is 30 degrees off of the orbits of the other planets. It is approximately (and hypothetically) 40 lightyears away, and its large pull, with the 30 degree difference, is what makes the sun appear to tilt (I’ve never noticed a tilty sun, but they are the experts).

How dare you discredit Pluto!


The overwhelming evidence seems to be in the Kuiper Belt (yeah, I didn’t know what that was either). This is the area past Neptune (including poor Pluto) where icy, frozen things like to hang out. There is something big out there, like a Planet Nine for example, that is scrambling this area with an apparent gravitational pull.

One big planet to scramble them all.


It has been estimated that Planet Nine (if it exists … which I like to think it does) is 10-15 times the size of earth. It would have to have a HUGE orbit, 20 times farther from the sun than that of Neptune, taking 10,000 to 20,000 years (Earth years) to orbit the sun.

That’s big.


Also, no big deal, it may be the driving force in the destruction of our solar system. Never fear, however, this would occur after our sun dies, along with earth and everything on it. We won’t be here to see it happen anyway!

The destruction, oh the destruction!


Now, this is all hypothetical, of course. There are, however, individuals who believe it’s not IF, but WHEN Planet Nine will come out of hiding. These astronomers continue to search, using the most powerful telescopes and the most high-tech mapping systems available.

Come on Planet 9! Show yourself!!


I don’t know about you, but I’m rooting for Planet Nine. How awesome would such a discovery be during our lifetime! To be a small part of the civilization that discovers only the third planet since ancient times would be incredibly unbelievable. Come on, astronomers, you got this!

You can do it!

My Besties

I am weird. I fully admit this. I’m not like stalker weird, but I do have best friends who don’t realize I am alive, let alone know that we are best friends. Is that crazy?

I might be CrAzY.


I blame my weird friend acquisition completely on social media. A year ago I had friends, friends of the reach-out-and-touch-them variety. I still have these friends, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes life gets all gummed up and in the way. I don’t get to see, or spend time with, my live-in-town friends nearly as often as I would like. I usually can’t call them up and just chat about nothing in general at any given time of the day when I feel bored. They’re busy with their kids’ activities, dinner, life, whatever.

So what did you have for breakfast?


Enter social media. It’s like a world of magic, instant gratification, electronic fairies who make friendships with anyone, at anytime, in any location, in any country possible. At any given moment, I can log onto one of my social media accounts, and the world opens up to me. It’s my oyster, and I’ll take it.

The cyber world is your oyster, man!


Sometimes, I log into a continuous conversation I’m having via Messenger with about eight different people at any given time. I also have my friends who are members of several groups I follow. In these groups, people post things on the “wall.” I can choose to interact with these posts at any time I so desire. Sometimes I’m not even really sure what the group is about. Who cares! There are people (I’m assuming they are people) interacting with me!

I hardly wear makeup. Who cares?!?


Then there is the “liking” of posts. It’s an easy way to say, “Hey, girl, hey! I see your post, and I was here.” Sometimes, I get brave enough to post something on a group’s wall. Sometimes I even get likes in return! It’s like magic! It makes me feel so popular and loved. Do these people know me? Not really! Most of them have no idea what I even look like, but that’s the magic of social media.
But, my bestest of best friends are found as the face of some of the LIVE streams I follow on social media. I have a select few I follow, but I know all there is to (publicly) know about these, my besties! My husband even knows, and refers to them as, “Best friend 2, 3, and 4.” I do have ONE “real” best friend. I’m not THAT much of a whack-a-doo! Best friends 2, 3, and 4 are as real as social media gets, though.

So I have friends on the computer who don’t know I exist. Who cares?!!


Sometimes, they even say my name in response to something I’ve written in the feed of their LIVE show. It’s like they ACTUALLY know me!! I mean, they say my name, out loud, in front of their other gazillion followers. Besties, I tell ya! They really get me.

They accept me as I am.


Okay, it’s slightly possible I’m a little crazy, but doesn’t it feel this way sometimes? There are so many people we follow online these days. We spend so much time reading their blogs or watching their LIVES, it’s like we actually know them. It kind of blurs the line between celebrity and those that watch from behind a screen. Social media allows us to interact with, and know people, like never before.

Who are your best social media friends?

World record holder

Is there a World Record for the world’s clumsiest person? If so, I would like to submit my name for consideration. I don’t know what the verification process entails, but I believe I would win, hands down! Need proof?

Exhibit A: Picture it. It’s 1980. I’m five years old, dressed in a light pink leotard, and barefoot. I’m walking across our groovy brown shag carpet when BOOM! Somehow I manage to step on a toothpick that has been ensnared in the tufts of shagginess that is our carpet. Straight up into the middle of my left foot the toothpick lodges. It takes an ER visit, including a minor surgical procedure, to get the dang stick out of my foot.

Ouch!

Exhibit B: I’m in fourth grade. Our class is walking back to the school building after recess. Out of nowhere a curb shows up to ruin my day. I step off … that’s right, I said I simply stepped off … the stupid thing, twisting my ankle and spraining it really good in the process. Another fun visit to the ER, including crutches and a plaster splint, is needed to fix me this time.

I cannot believe that happened.

Exhibit C: Unknown year. I’m at my grandparents house, which is full of people who have come for some sort of party. I am playing with my cousins, and the random children that have come with their parents to this party for the grown ups. I’m in the kitchen, but I can see a group of kids playing in the backyard. I run from the kitchen, through the front room full of people, and WHAM! I run face first into the sliding glass door. I did not realize it was shut, because I’m awesome like that. I remember lots of blood, and being completely embarrassed by the number of people that witnessed my catastrophe.

Whoops!

Exhibit D: I’m eighteen years old, and I’m at Disney World for the first time. We have just finished eating, and notice a bus about to leave for our hotel. No problem, we’ll run and catch the bus before it leaves. Check that. THEY’LL run and catch the bus. I’ll start to run at full speed toward the bus, but somehow get my feet tangled up with … well, my feet. Down I go, but I don’t just fall. No, I have to be more dramatic than that. I fall and start to bounce and roll across the parking lot. When I finally come to a stop, the entire bus population is looking at me with gaping disbelief. I am mortified.

Bounce and roll!

Exhibit E: Same year. I am at the beach in California, where I have come with my immediate family and my older cousin. We decide to have a swing on a swing set facing the water. Everything is giggles and rainbows, until everyone decides to jump from the swings. They go, one by one, soaring through the air like birds on the wind, before they land perfectly on the sand, maybe ten or fifteen feet in front of the swings. It’s my turn. I’m so confident, I could burst. I let go of the rusted chain of my swing. Up I go … and then immediately down I go. I somehow faceplant under the swing. I will never live this down.

Zziiiip it!


I could go on, but I’ll let those embarrassing moments speak for themselves. I am, in fact, the most clumsy person alive today.
Do you think you are clumsier than me? I don’t think it’s possible, but let’s hear your stories of grand clumsy embarrassment in the comments.
 

Party girl

I love home parties. I mean I LOVE them. It’s quite the addictive problem, actually. I’m not talking about straight-up social gatherings, I’m talking about parties with a purpose. I’ve always been THAT girl. You know, the one that is at every home party I can weasel my way into. That’s me!!

The time spent with friends (usually kid-free!!) where we all bond as we sit, talk, sometimes snack, sometimes imbibe a bit … oh yeah, and play with whatever product is there for the purchasing … it’s close to heaven in my book. It doesn’t even matter what the product is!! I love (insert party name here)!

It’s even become fun as it has progressed to live parties on the internet! You can party from home in your pajamas! You still get to gossip and gab with your “friends” while partying, but now there can be 4K or more of them!! They all become like your best friends that you get to “see” every day. One of the best parts, you don’t have to dress up to impress, because they can’t see you!! All the talking is done à la chatroom style on the computer. The only one that has to show up halfway decent is the hostess!

I’ve been to them all! Multiple makeup parties, jewelry parties, scrapbooking, cooking, oysters, clothes, home accents, candles, books full of randomness, stamping, bags … you name it, I’ve probably been to it in one form or another. I’m a bit of a home party junkie.
The only problem comes toward the end of the party when the hostess inevitably says, “I’d love to have you join my team!” My gut reaction is, “YES!!” I’ve usually had so much fun that I have bought into the whole experience. I want to LIVE at these parties! I want to have fun like this ALL THE TIME! I rationalize it to myself, and have an internal battle about how I can make it work.
But, realistically, it won’t work for me.

Why can’t I just do them all?!?

Here are a few reasons I have to take a step back, and talk myself off the party-joining ledge:

  1. I am not a social-butterfly. Although I enjoy these parties, outgoing, extrovert is not my forte. I enjoy being talked to, not being the one doing the talking. 
  2. I’m just going to say it: My friends are cheap. I don’t understand, but they all HATE home parties. If they can’t get something at less-than wholesale, it ain’t happening. I still love them, I just wish they enjoyed my proclivity toward the home party experience.
  3. I hate conflict. It’s all fine and dandy … until somebody wants to make a return or has a problem with the product. I take it too personally. I recently tried to resell some things I don’t use anymore on a popular resale site. Just that experience had me in the corner, curled up in the fetal position. People get MEAN when they think you’ve purposefully done something they don’t like!! I couldn’t deal with that all the time.
  4. Let’s face it, some of the things aren’t really marketable. Don’t get me wrong, I still love going to the parties, but I’ve found myself saying under my breath, “This product really sucks,” or “Why, out of all the businesses out there, would you choose this one?” The things that ARE marketable are super-saturated in the marketplace … and I’m not outgoing enough to be the one out of 5,000 that stands out.
  5. Have you seen the start-up cost to join some of these businesses? I will say, the better the product, the higher the start-up fees. I have found this to be the case. I can’t, however, miss five months of rent to gamble on a product … and really gamble on myself … that may or may not pan out.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve signed on that dotted line a few times. I’ve tried to make it work. 

Always, nope. Always.

I am meant to be the supportive party girl who always shows up. I am not, much to my chagrin, meant to sell. That’s okay, though. The world needs both kinds of people!

Are you a presenter or party girl (or guy)? Tell us about your product of choice in the comments.

It’s my blog. I can vent if I want to.

Some days are hard. Living in this broken body sucks more than you know. It’s more broken than some of you will ever understand. I will never, ever see people that knew me before. I mean, of course I will see the people around here. I have no choice in that. But, I will never go back and see those that knew me before. I can’t walk right. I can’t run. I can’t even hop. I can’t walk upstairs without help, I can’t walk downstairs without help. I have trouble writing, and I have trouble with all hand eye coordination activities. I talk with a slur. I get worn out very quickly. I look different. It breaks my heart a little. 

I know everybody is probably sick of me talking about it. But, It is what it is. I want to go back in time about 10 years. I want to be friends with, and know people from before. It just isn’t going to happen.

I’m not excusing it at all, but I sort of don’t blame people or persons for things that have happened recently. Who knows, if it was me, it might’ve happened too. I take that back. It most definitely would not have happened. I can understand though. I am so broken, it’s hard to be around me. I’m not the same person.

I mean, I am exactly the same person inside, but outside I am broken. On the outside I am a freak show.

I know, I know. Beauty is on the inside, not on the outside. But, let’s be honest, that’s bull crap. Maybe I am still cool on the inside. But, I’m so messed up on the outside it’s hard to see the inside.

It makes me sad. It makes me mad. And just couple that with recent events. I am a mess.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the way I acted and the way I was when I was younger that has caused this. Not caused this really, but maybe it’s the reason this has been allowed. I was mean, I was cruel, I was uncaring, I was a bit narcissistic. I was awful. If you were in the path of that, I truly am sorry. I did it out of bad self-esteem and self loathing. That doesn’t excuse it. But, again, it is what what it is.

OK, let’s end this on a positive note. The sun is shining, I am alive, I have kids that love me. I’ll get through it like always, it’s just a bad day. I am feeling very very very very broken.

💜💜

Sicky sick, Father’s Day, and wormholes

I have been so, so sick this weekend. Thank God J made me go to the doctor in Friday, because it would have only gotten worse, and I can’t imagine much worse. Everyone else had allergies, but thanks to Imuran (my immunosuppressant), it turned into bronchitis with a weird ear infection in the ear I can’t feel. Then I mixed that up with a little puking, and it just rounded out an otherwise boring weekend. I have to mix it up a bit sometimes. Now, I’m done with my turn on the Ferris wheel 🎡 of sickness. It’s somebody else’s turn to take a ride! (Nobody at this house!!)

This is what sick looks like.

So, once again, I am way behind in every aspect of writing in my life. But, guess what … it’s okay! It a new week, time for new starts!!
Father’s Day and Andrew’s birthday are coming up. Poor Andrew. It was on the eve of his birthday I first went to the Randolph ER by ambulance. (What a frickin joke all around.) So, I want to do something special for him this year. We don’t have the $$ to do what he wants (Wonderworks in Pigeon Forge). He has wanted that the last 2 birthdays, and thanks to ME, we can’t go. How do I break that to him again?!? And, what the heck do I do instead that’s fun, but cheap (or free is better)?

I mean, Come on!! How do I say, “We can’t afford it this year,” to that?!?

What about Father’s Day? Here’s where I get weird and superstitious. I had the perfect idea for my dad last year, even bought all the components, and then BOOM! Life changed. He never got his gift. And, J’s gift was spending time with me in the hospital. Yes, I’m scared. Yes, I’m stupid for being superstitious, but neither one is getting a gift until AFTER Father’s Day this year. I also have no idea for J. Neither of them are MEN MEN. Hunting, fishing, grilling, sports, all a nope for both of them. 

I don’t have a decent picture of them together, so here is a good reminder.

So I was looking around Facebook, at different sites, blogs, and pictures for ideas regarding this upcoming week? MAN!! There are some wormholes up in Facebook land!! I was reading (too long) about beets, and that brought me to bath bombs and crafts, which led me to house fires and sweet tea, which led me to Eddie Vedder (it ALWAYS comes back to Eddie Vedder), which lead me to Chris Cornell. Sad way to end my search, but it was 12:00am when I started. When I looked up, it was 3am!! What?!? Wormholes. They get you every time!! AND … I still have no idea what the week will bring!! It will be a surprise for all of us. 

Well, I have a date with dreamland! Until next time. Pay that stuff forward!! Be happy … life is to short. Make others happy. There is absolutely no need to bring others down. Remember, those that are abrasive with you are people too. You never know what they are going through in the background. Your’s may be the only smile and kind word they have all day. ❤️

See you there!!

Disney Dreaming …

It has been over a year since I have been to Disney World. So much has changed since I have been: the hat was taken down at the Studios, Avatar was added (is that what it’s called?), Wishes was replaced, the Caribbean hotel got a refresh … I’m sure there’s more.

I have the itch though. Anyone who loves Disney knows, and has felt this itch. I want to go back home. Of course, I mean Disney World.

I thought I’d be back to work by now. We promised the kids, the first thing we would do when I was better is plan a trip to Disney World. We all know how that has turned out. Boo. Instead of wallow in misery, we’ll talk about my top 5 things to do at Disney World. Top 5 will be hard, because there is so much greatness there. Here we go:

1) Chip ‘N Dale’s Campfire Sing-A-Long — I think they have this every night? We’ve never stayed at Fort Wilderness, but we’ve gone to this “free” event there multiple times. There are a couple fire pits, and you can buy “kits” to roast s’mores (Make sure you take cash!!). Chip ‘n Dale come out with camp counsellors, and everyone sings! There is then an outdoor movie you can enjoy under the stars. I will mention that this is weather dependent. We have been there when they have had to cancel for weather. Bummer!!!

2) Eat at Boma, Enjoy pool area at Animal Kingdom Lodge — Boma restaurant is located inside the Animal Kingdom Lodge. It is rather expensive, but I am pretty sure it’s considered a moderately priced hotel. We eat there at dinner time. It is a buffet that has all the different flavors of Africa. It is absolutely delicious!! My kids did not like it … but they hate everything. Before (or after, if we are running late) our reservations, we go back to the pool area. There are a lot of “hidden Mickeys” back there, as well as many overlooks for animals on the savanna. It is very cool, and even the kids lived that part!! It’s a must for every trip.

3) Used to be Wishes, but I imagine the new show is cool too. Of course, this is magical in the park, but watching it from the white sands of the Polynesian resort is amazing!! They turn off the lights outside, and play the music over the loud speaker. AMAZING!! And they have a lighted floating parade on the lagoon while the fireworks are going on. It is rather magical.

4) Splash Mountain — This requires a ticket to the Magic Kingdom park. This ride offers both a whimsical character story (Song of the South) and a thrill ride (the log-ride like hill at the end). It is so much fun! Word of advice: you will probably get wet! Plan for this. Also, this ride often has a LONG line. Fastpass it if you can!! Head there FIRST THING when the park opens, or hit it during Magic Hours if your eligible (and if you’re not eligible, you SHOULD BE STAYING ON PROPERTY).

5) Fantasmic — This show requires tickets to the Hollywood Studios. Get there EARLY for a good spot. Good spots are smack in the middle. Lower seats WILL get wet. This is the closing show at Hollywood Studios. It features Mickey Mouse and a movie scenes shown on spraying water. There are also canoes and a “parade” on the water. Be prepared for loud music, a gun battle, and brief fireworks at the end. So so magical. If you’re a sap like me, be prepared to tear up. 

There are so so many more things to enjoy at Disney World! What are some of your favorite??

The Big Purge

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Okay, it wasn’t a BIG purge compared to everything we have to do. I think two bags full of trash is pretty good! I was also able to organize some things a bit better, not to mention folding four baskets of laundry. We have a long, long way to go, but I’m proud of our start!

Working on the purge

You know what else I did? I put stuff in my Erin Condren planner. *gasp* I know, I know, I’m awesome. But, seriously, that was a big step for me. I feel all organized and tingly. I just can’t look around much, because like I said, so much more to do.

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Tomorrow is Monday!! I think we are going to try Motivation Monday. So if you need a pick-me-up, and some motivation to get you through the day, our Facebook page is the place to be! I’ll write a blog post to, but I’ll post throughout the day on the site. If you know anyone else that needs a little hand-holding to get them through he day, send them our way!


Monday is also a great time to make goals for the week!! This week my goals are:

  • Clean the couch off
  • Mending all the junk I have to sew up
  • An article for TTB a day
  • A post on here a day
  • Keep up with planner everyday
  • Drink two bottles of water a day
  • Write my 1000 word assignment
  • Register with RWA and CRW
  • Post in Younique everyday
  • Post in CCC everyday
  • Post is Asheboro Mom’s everyday
  • Go Live twice in one of the sites this week

That’s a lot. I think I’ll stop there. If I make it too long, I won’t get it done!

Time to go! Pizza’s here!!!

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