This probably isn’t a good one to read if you need motivation.

I have not disappeared. I’ve had a hard last month or so. My head is not screwed on correctly, but …. I was going to say I’m working on it, but I’m really not. I want to just feel what I want to feel for a bit. I just want to exist in this limbo for awhile, and not be solid.

I feel like I’ve grown up so much in this last – however long it’s been – emotionally. I was definitely a sheltered butterfly, but I got a good spanking from life. It’s not all butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns. But you know what? That’s okay. It has been difficult, sad, hard, but I am a stronger person for it.

I’ve falling back a bit into — I’m just going to say it — self-hatred. That’s really been the hardest part to overcome. People suck, and will let you down in the worst ways, that’s always  a constant. I understand that. People are human. But, it’s hating myself through this process that has been so difficult. 


I am mostly strong, I will mostly persevere, I am mostly a mini beast, but I just need time to not … be.

I understand everyone is going to want to throw help at me. I’m sorry. I really just don’t want it right now. Give me time. I don’t know if I’m going through the grief cycle, but apathy is really where I am right now. I just want to stay numb for a bit.

And, no. It doesn’t matter what happened. Just a bunch of crap back to back. 

I’ll get back to my happy, motivational, perseverance, warrior self. I just need a minute.

I just like the purpley-red eyes.

Love.

Advertisements

World record holder

Is there a World Record for the world’s clumsiest person? If so, I would like to submit my name for consideration. I don’t know what the verification process entails, but I believe I would win, hands down! Need proof?

Exhibit A: Picture it. It’s 1980. I’m five years old, dressed in a light pink leotard, and barefoot. I’m walking across our groovy brown shag carpet when BOOM! Somehow I manage to step on a toothpick that has been ensnared in the tufts of shagginess that is our carpet. Straight up into the middle of my left foot the toothpick lodges. It takes an ER visit, including a minor surgical procedure, to get the dang stick out of my foot.

Ouch!

Exhibit B: I’m in fourth grade. Our class is walking back to the school building after recess. Out of nowhere a curb shows up to ruin my day. I step off … that’s right, I said I simply stepped off … the stupid thing, twisting my ankle and spraining it really good in the process. Another fun visit to the ER, including crutches and a plaster splint, is needed to fix me this time.

I cannot believe that happened.

Exhibit C: Unknown year. I’m at my grandparents house, which is full of people who have come for some sort of party. I am playing with my cousins, and the random children that have come with their parents to this party for the grown ups. I’m in the kitchen, but I can see a group of kids playing in the backyard. I run from the kitchen, through the front room full of people, and WHAM! I run face first into the sliding glass door. I did not realize it was shut, because I’m awesome like that. I remember lots of blood, and being completely embarrassed by the number of people that witnessed my catastrophe.

Whoops!

Exhibit D: I’m eighteen years old, and I’m at Disney World for the first time. We have just finished eating, and notice a bus about to leave for our hotel. No problem, we’ll run and catch the bus before it leaves. Check that. THEY’LL run and catch the bus. I’ll start to run at full speed toward the bus, but somehow get my feet tangled up with … well, my feet. Down I go, but I don’t just fall. No, I have to be more dramatic than that. I fall and start to bounce and roll across the parking lot. When I finally come to a stop, the entire bus population is looking at me with gaping disbelief. I am mortified.

Bounce and roll!

Exhibit E: Same year. I am at the beach in California, where I have come with my immediate family and my older cousin. We decide to have a swing on a swing set facing the water. Everything is giggles and rainbows, until everyone decides to jump from the swings. They go, one by one, soaring through the air like birds on the wind, before they land perfectly on the sand, maybe ten or fifteen feet in front of the swings. It’s my turn. I’m so confident, I could burst. I let go of the rusted chain of my swing. Up I go … and then immediately down I go. I somehow faceplant under the swing. I will never live this down.

Zziiiip it!


I could go on, but I’ll let those embarrassing moments speak for themselves. I am, in fact, the most clumsy person alive today.
Do you think you are clumsier than me? I don’t think it’s possible, but let’s hear your stories of grand clumsy embarrassment in the comments.
 

It’s my blog. I can vent if I want to.

Some days are hard. Living in this broken body sucks more than you know. It’s more broken than some of you will ever understand. I will never, ever see people that knew me before. I mean, of course I will see the people around here. I have no choice in that. But, I will never go back and see those that knew me before. I can’t walk right. I can’t run. I can’t even hop. I can’t walk upstairs without help, I can’t walk downstairs without help. I have trouble writing, and I have trouble with all hand eye coordination activities. I talk with a slur. I get worn out very quickly. I look different. It breaks my heart a little. 

I know everybody is probably sick of me talking about it. But, It is what it is. I want to go back in time about 10 years. I want to be friends with, and know people from before. It just isn’t going to happen.

I’m not excusing it at all, but I sort of don’t blame people or persons for things that have happened recently. Who knows, if it was me, it might’ve happened too. I take that back. It most definitely would not have happened. I can understand though. I am so broken, it’s hard to be around me. I’m not the same person.

I mean, I am exactly the same person inside, but outside I am broken. On the outside I am a freak show.

I know, I know. Beauty is on the inside, not on the outside. But, let’s be honest, that’s bull crap. Maybe I am still cool on the inside. But, I’m so messed up on the outside it’s hard to see the inside.

It makes me sad. It makes me mad. And just couple that with recent events. I am a mess.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the way I acted and the way I was when I was younger that has caused this. Not caused this really, but maybe it’s the reason this has been allowed. I was mean, I was cruel, I was uncaring, I was a bit narcissistic. I was awful. If you were in the path of that, I truly am sorry. I did it out of bad self-esteem and self loathing. That doesn’t excuse it. But, again, it is what what it is.

OK, let’s end this on a positive note. The sun is shining, I am alive, I have kids that love me. I’ll get through it like always, it’s just a bad day. I am feeling very very very very broken.

πŸ’œπŸ’œ

You’re a daisy if you do

Follow MommaPossum on Facebook 

I almost, almost forgot to post today.

(I promise, not all my posts suck this bad)

I’ve been busting my butt trying to get all mom’s sites unraveled and fixed? *Ahhh* It was a lot of work, and it’s not done … poor, neglected sites. 

It feels like Saturday. Doesn’t it feel like a Saturday. I keep thinking church is tomorrow (which we haven’t attended in months, so I’m not sure what I’m worried about). But, J is closing, and both kids are asleep. It just feels saturdayish to me.

I do not own this picture, it is just hilarious!! Thanks to my friend for sending it.

Y’all. I’m at that point again. I have so much stuff to do, I’m not really doing any of it! I blame J today. I was going to get up and be all productive, but he decided to go back to sleep. So, ya know, when in France … (Is that even the right saying? I’m so tired!)

So I have two weeks to get this house in gear. My sister-in-law and 2 nephews are coming to visit!!! I am so dang stressed about it. Even though I know and love them, you know, I don’t do well with people. I have that whole social anxiety thing going for me.

Y’all. This post is the suckiest of the sucky, but I have to get. I made it though! Everyday so far this month has a post … granted, some of them are pointless like this. LOL!!

If you’ve made it this far, here are some bonuses for you:

Campfire Recipes

Cleaning Tips

Mom Tricks

You’re welcome! Until next time …

On Mondays, We Have Anxiety

Heaven help me: I want some Irish Nachos.


What’s the deal with Monday’s? I didn’t even do much of anything, but my anxiety is through the freaking roof. I guess it could be:

  1. Been having wacky dreams as of late
  2. House is out of control … every.single.room
  3. I can’t get the kids to help me without throwing huge fits … and then they still don’t help
  4. Three words: Homework With Andrew
  5. I’ve got so much to do, that I’m not doing any of it.
  6. I’ve been in this house so much, I don’t even have the desire to leave anymore
  7. Did I mention the mess in every.single.room
  8. The (I’m trying not to cuss here) Prednisone has made my A1C 7.4
  9. I can’t wake up before 1pm. I don’t know what the heck?!? 
  10. My dad shared a video with me that was not uplifting. It was probably good that I watched it, but 😳.

What do you have dread or anxiety about on Mondays??

I’m considering sharing some of the things I have saved on Facebook. They won’t get used or seen any other way. LOL. What do you think? Shall I share the “saves” with you?

In the meantime, checkout this site. She is a friend of mine, and I love the toothpaste, mud mask, and mist. Please Peruse the Pleasing Products: Bonnie’s Nu Beauty

Saturday … not the lazy kind

Anxiety is at an all-time high tonight. Not sure why. It started slowly. Let’s backtrack, shall we?

Spring in NC

I went to the Carolina Romance Writers meeting today. It was intensely overwhelming. I know it’s more about networking at this point (because me, the introvert, is so great at it), but it made me want to do everything right now. Luckily I have someone to guide me, but I’m freaking out a little. Everyone asked me, “What do you write?” Uh, nothing really. LOL! Then there were all these genres. How the heck do I know where I fall in there, let alone what each genre is? Anyhoo. I am an immediate satisfaction person. I want it all, and I want it now! 😁

On our way to Charlotte.

 
Which brings me to my next topic. I need a freaking niche for this Blog. I want it to be informative on some level, not just all about me and my life. Nobody’s going to follow that. Kaleigh has makeup, Holly has everything kids, Jamie has everything pop culture, Courtney has makeup, April has food, Christa has nails … I want something! I want to brand myself. I want to open a store with my merch … that sells. I want to Facebook Live with followers. I think this is part of the root of my anxiety tonight. I want to be doing something productive, to have a purpose, to have a brand, to have followers, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I want to make money at it.

I have no other pictures on my phone but me and stuff that is probably copyrighted

I mean, I can write …. I am by no means a Kaleigh or Mary … but I can write. That doesn’t really pay the bills, though. I want affiliates that seek me out! I’d love to be a Colleen Hoover type (look her up). She basically gets to do whatever she wants, and gives thousands of dollars a month to random charities. She also gets to just give stuff away. So awesome! And affiliates seek her out. Okay, I’m assuming this, but I’m sure it happens.

I guess I’m just at a major crossroads, and I need some major guidance.

Slight subject change. Do you know how awful it felt to have to have been chauffeured to the meeting today. And then once I got there, I could hardly take notes, because my dang brain wouldn’t let my hand work correctly. So frustrating!! I want to do that Live on bullet journaling, but my hand won’t work to make it pretty. I took notes (or tried) in bullet-style today, and it was so frustrating! It looked awful, and if I go back to read it, I know I won’t be able to read most of it. Grrrr!

Guide me, oh wise ones

Throw me some comments with some suggestions below. 

Remember to be kind.

Go find my stuff on Totally the Bomb. At least I’ll feel a little accomplished if you read that. πŸ™‚

1:32 am

Well, it’s Wednesday night … or Thursday morning depending on how you look at it.

I’ve had my Melatonin, Benadryl, and countless other nighttime meds, but I can’t sleep. What else is there to do? Blog!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I can’t believe it. It was just a few short years ago that Thanksgiving meant Mom, Dad, J, and myself. Not anymore! We are expecting at least 15 at my parent’s house. 

Where is everyone going to sit? We don’t do a traditional table. It is sort of a free-for-all. I don’t think … no, I KNOW … there aren’t 15 chairs in the whole place! I call dibs on the chair down in the office … you know … the chair in the quiet room away from the madness!

Let’s keep in mind, I’m an introvert that likes quiet. Also, since my strokes, overstimulation happens very quickly for me. I’ll be honest, I’m already panicking a bit. It will be nice to see everyone, but ……..

Jesus, help me.

My anxiety is also running high, because my cousin will be there, and I haven’t seen her in like 8 years (good gosh, can that be right?!?). This prednisone has made me look very unlike myself. It has caused puffiness all over, but especially my face. I feel like I gained 10 pounds just yesterday! And that is on top of the __ pounds I’ve already packed on, due to this mess. I’m beyond embarrassed for her to see me.

Yes, I am glad to be alive. I’m very lucky the strokes didn’t straight-up kill me, but I am still human. I’m embarrassed of the way I currently look.

And this is a “GOOD” picture, taken at the right angle as to try to mask the puffiness. It’s still there.


I’ve had friends tell me I’m still beautiful. I’m not stupid. I’m puffy. — I’ve had friends tell me beauty is on the “inside.” That is just a nice way to say that I look horrible. —  I’ve had friends suggest I not post selfies until I’m off the meds. — I’ve had people “encourage” me with back-handed complements (I’m not going to lie, they stung a bit). 

But, you know what. It is what it is. This is my life. Yes, I’m embarrassed of myself, but I want to look back and remember how far I’ve come. I want to see that I had it worse. Not to mention, I’ve had some good times too! I want to remember those good times!

Some friends are life!! They speak my love language!! LOL!


This post wasn’t supposed to turn into a rant. How did I get from “Tomorrow is Thanksgiving,” to “Leave me alone, and let me wallow in my puffiness!”?? LOL!

Maybe I’m more tired than I think.

And, here is a random thought for you – Have you ever looked at what’s trending on Facebook? It is rather lame! I was going to try to do a post on a trending topic, but it’s all celebrities! I don’t really care about Lindsey Lohan, Ariana Grande, or Cameron Diaz. I mean, I’m sure they are perfectly fine people, but really? Shouldn’t, I don’t know, THANKSGIVING be a trending topic? 

Rant over!

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American peeps. Happy Thursday to every one else! Don’t forget to be kind to one another!

Don’t know where I got this. Random, true quote!