Stella

It happened fast. You were okay on Saturday, your normal self. You got sick Sunday morning about 10am, and you were gone before noon on Monday.

This hurts. You were there during my strokes, as a companion when everyone else had to leave. You were only cuddly on your terms, but you were a constant. We had much the same personality in that way.

You were there through my dark days last year, when it felt like the world was crumbling from beneath me. You were here every day keeping me sane, when all I could do was be stuck in this house. There wasn’t a night or day I slept without you curled up by my side. I couldn’t be in a room without you right there … even the bathroom. You were right there with me almost every time I went LIVE on Facebook.

When I was on my bed, you would nose and dig the covers until you were right next to me. When I was in the kitchen, you stood guard on a towel at the doorway. When I was getting a shower, you would wait patiently on the mat for me to get out. When I was folding clothes, you would knock them all over and get on top of them, EVERY TIME.

I know you were just a dog. But, you weren’t. You were my constant companion. My tiny rock. I could depend on you to always, always be there with your sassy attitude, and your unwavering, unconditional love.

You chose me three-and-a-half years ago, and although people thought I was insane, I’m so glad you did.

We all have already shed countless tears, and I’m sure we will shed countless more. We love you. I love you. I don’t know what we will do without you. I don’t understand, I can’t fathom, why this had to happen, but you were in such miserable pain at the end. I hope you were okay with the choices we had to make, some of the toughest we’ve ever had to make. I hope you know exactly how much you were, and always will be loved. I’ll miss you tonight as I sleep without you here, and I’ll miss you always. 💔

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Hello. Is there anybody out there?

It has recently come to my attention that I have not written in a while. I think I have been avoiding it.

My body is about the same. I’m on oral immunosuppressants. This is in place of the chemo I did last year. They are great (I’m lying). Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just quit taking all the medication they have me on. Sixteen pills a day, down to none. I mean, the doctors admit they don’t know if the pills are really helping. They are, however, killing my liver. Bonus, they may give me blood cancer down the line. I’m going to be honest, lately I have been obsessed with trying that cannabis oil that doesn’t make you high. A few drops under my tongue, and I’m good. I wonder if it would work.

Mentally, I am a bit unstable. I try to keep my spirits up, I really do try, but this gets SO OLD. I want to just flail and kick and force everything to just work out. I want to work again. I don’t want to be stuck, like a slug, waiting for life to just happen to me. I am not that person. I do the LIVE pearl thing to keep sane, and feel like I’m at least a functioning member of the household, but it’s all smoke and mirrors.

I just happened to turn on my phone today while I was sitting in the parking lot at the bank. I had been trying to find and gather together change to deposit, in an attempt to keep us from over drafting again. I happened to turn on a Facebook Live feed, I don’t know why, that was just starting. He didn’t say anything I haven’t heard before. He didn’t give some great revelation that I haven’t been preached at countless times in the last year and a half. It just hit me differently today. He said, “It may seem dark right now. You may be in a winter. But, this is a season. It will pass. I promise you, it will pass.” As I sat there with pennies and nickles in my hand, prepared to go in and make a measly deposit to save our banking account, the words hit me like a brick to the head. This is a season. It sucks now. It is awful now. It is the lowest of the lows now. But, we will get through this. It will eventually take an upturn. Please, God, it has to take an upturn.img_1553-1

So, to anyone that needs to hear it … You WILL get through this. It sucks now. I know it sucks. The season will end, though. This is but a season. It is the winter, and spring always follows.

I love you all.

Find me on Facebook: mommapossum

 

This probably isn’t a good one to read if you need motivation.

I have not disappeared. I’ve had a hard last month or so. My head is not screwed on correctly, but …. I was going to say I’m working on it, but I’m really not. I want to just feel what I want to feel for a bit. I just want to exist in this limbo for awhile, and not be solid.

I feel like I’ve grown up so much in this last – however long it’s been – emotionally. I was definitely a sheltered butterfly, but I got a good spanking from life. It’s not all butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns. But you know what? That’s okay. It has been difficult, sad, hard, but I am a stronger person for it.

I’ve falling back a bit into — I’m just going to say it — self-hatred. That’s really been the hardest part to overcome. People suck, and will let you down in the worst ways, that’s always  a constant. I understand that. People are human. But, it’s hating myself through this process that has been so difficult. 


I am mostly strong, I will mostly persevere, I am mostly a mini beast, but I just need time to not … be.

I understand everyone is going to want to throw help at me. I’m sorry. I really just don’t want it right now. Give me time. I don’t know if I’m going through the grief cycle, but apathy is really where I am right now. I just want to stay numb for a bit.

And, no. It doesn’t matter what happened. Just a bunch of crap back to back. 

I’ll get back to my happy, motivational, perseverance, warrior self. I just need a minute.

I just like the purpley-red eyes.

Love.

Party girl

I love home parties. I mean I LOVE them. It’s quite the addictive problem, actually. I’m not talking about straight-up social gatherings, I’m talking about parties with a purpose. I’ve always been THAT girl. You know, the one that is at every home party I can weasel my way into. That’s me!!

The time spent with friends (usually kid-free!!) where we all bond as we sit, talk, sometimes snack, sometimes imbibe a bit … oh yeah, and play with whatever product is there for the purchasing … it’s close to heaven in my book. It doesn’t even matter what the product is!! I love (insert party name here)!

It’s even become fun as it has progressed to live parties on the internet! You can party from home in your pajamas! You still get to gossip and gab with your “friends” while partying, but now there can be 4K or more of them!! They all become like your best friends that you get to “see” every day. One of the best parts, you don’t have to dress up to impress, because they can’t see you!! All the talking is done à la chatroom style on the computer. The only one that has to show up halfway decent is the hostess!

I’ve been to them all! Multiple makeup parties, jewelry parties, scrapbooking, cooking, oysters, clothes, home accents, candles, books full of randomness, stamping, bags … you name it, I’ve probably been to it in one form or another. I’m a bit of a home party junkie.
The only problem comes toward the end of the party when the hostess inevitably says, “I’d love to have you join my team!” My gut reaction is, “YES!!” I’ve usually had so much fun that I have bought into the whole experience. I want to LIVE at these parties! I want to have fun like this ALL THE TIME! I rationalize it to myself, and have an internal battle about how I can make it work.
But, realistically, it won’t work for me.

Why can’t I just do them all?!?

Here are a few reasons I have to take a step back, and talk myself off the party-joining ledge:

  1. I am not a social-butterfly. Although I enjoy these parties, outgoing, extrovert is not my forte. I enjoy being talked to, not being the one doing the talking. 
  2. I’m just going to say it: My friends are cheap. I don’t understand, but they all HATE home parties. If they can’t get something at less-than wholesale, it ain’t happening. I still love them, I just wish they enjoyed my proclivity toward the home party experience.
  3. I hate conflict. It’s all fine and dandy … until somebody wants to make a return or has a problem with the product. I take it too personally. I recently tried to resell some things I don’t use anymore on a popular resale site. Just that experience had me in the corner, curled up in the fetal position. People get MEAN when they think you’ve purposefully done something they don’t like!! I couldn’t deal with that all the time.
  4. Let’s face it, some of the things aren’t really marketable. Don’t get me wrong, I still love going to the parties, but I’ve found myself saying under my breath, “This product really sucks,” or “Why, out of all the businesses out there, would you choose this one?” The things that ARE marketable are super-saturated in the marketplace … and I’m not outgoing enough to be the one out of 5,000 that stands out.
  5. Have you seen the start-up cost to join some of these businesses? I will say, the better the product, the higher the start-up fees. I have found this to be the case. I can’t, however, miss five months of rent to gamble on a product … and really gamble on myself … that may or may not pan out.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve signed on that dotted line a few times. I’ve tried to make it work. 

Always, nope. Always.

I am meant to be the supportive party girl who always shows up. I am not, much to my chagrin, meant to sell. That’s okay, though. The world needs both kinds of people!

Are you a presenter or party girl (or guy)? Tell us about your product of choice in the comments.

It’s my blog. I can vent if I want to.

Some days are hard. Living in this broken body sucks more than you know. It’s more broken than some of you will ever understand. I will never, ever see people that knew me before. I mean, of course I will see the people around here. I have no choice in that. But, I will never go back and see those that knew me before. I can’t walk right. I can’t run. I can’t even hop. I can’t walk upstairs without help, I can’t walk downstairs without help. I have trouble writing, and I have trouble with all hand eye coordination activities. I talk with a slur. I get worn out very quickly. I look different. It breaks my heart a little. 

I know everybody is probably sick of me talking about it. But, It is what it is. I want to go back in time about 10 years. I want to be friends with, and know people from before. It just isn’t going to happen.

I’m not excusing it at all, but I sort of don’t blame people or persons for things that have happened recently. Who knows, if it was me, it might’ve happened too. I take that back. It most definitely would not have happened. I can understand though. I am so broken, it’s hard to be around me. I’m not the same person.

I mean, I am exactly the same person inside, but outside I am broken. On the outside I am a freak show.

I know, I know. Beauty is on the inside, not on the outside. But, let’s be honest, that’s bull crap. Maybe I am still cool on the inside. But, I’m so messed up on the outside it’s hard to see the inside.

It makes me sad. It makes me mad. And just couple that with recent events. I am a mess.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the way I acted and the way I was when I was younger that has caused this. Not caused this really, but maybe it’s the reason this has been allowed. I was mean, I was cruel, I was uncaring, I was a bit narcissistic. I was awful. If you were in the path of that, I truly am sorry. I did it out of bad self-esteem and self loathing. That doesn’t excuse it. But, again, it is what what it is.

OK, let’s end this on a positive note. The sun is shining, I am alive, I have kids that love me. I’ll get through it like always, it’s just a bad day. I am feeling very very very very broken.

💜💜

Infidelity

I have submitted this elsewhere. If they choose to publish it, I will take it down. This is my voice. This is me screaming what I can’t.

——————–

For the briefest of seconds the earth stands still, and all is right, all is good. You can feel it, though. It’s too right.

In an instant, with the next breath, the earth starts spinning, a little too fast and slightly off its axis. The ground starts angrily shaking, and you can see a fissure where you just know, in your soul, the ground is going to open up and try to consume you. It is angry, and it wants to swallow you whole. You grasp for anything to hold onto as you feel the spinning of the earth and the pull toward devastation.

You can’t breathe. There is no air. You gasp to get air into your lungs, but it just isn’t there. Your stomach turns, and you feel the anger in there too, fighting to overtake. You have the strangest feeling of absolute loss of control over your body. You’re going to wretch in this spinning, angry, airless space.

You can actually feel your heart fracturing. Your insides are burning, and the ground continues to violently spin and shake. You look from left to right, but there is nobody to cling to, nobody that can rescue you from this. The ground is wanting and waiting to consume the fragile, broken body that was created in a blink.

You’d give anything to go back 15 minutes, before your world changed forever. You’d give anything not to know. You’d give anything to know it all.

You can’t.

Stop. You can’t know anymore.

But, there’s so much more to hear. Little pieces, like a puzzle, that slowly come together and start to make sense. So many lies, that in the midst of this violent, angry world in which you’ve been thrust, start to become truths.

Everything is upside down, and, through tears of anger, rage, loss, and love, friendships become little jokes, and you are the punchline.

This is what infidelity feels like.

Your best friend, in the blink of a tear-stained eye, becomes a complete stranger. This person with whom you’ve been intimate and shared your most private secrets, becomes someone you don’t know at all.

Not only do you lose the life you thought was perfect, you lose your best friend, your lover, your safety and security.

You feel violated in the worst way.

How do you go back?

There is no going back.

Even if forgiveness is possible, it still happened. There is no taking it back.

Utter devistation, destruction, hurt, violation, and loss. That’s all you have.

How do reconcile this and make it okay?

Maybe you don’t. Maybe you can’t.
——————–

There is no black and white. There is no manual that tells you how to get through this. It has to be taken one second at a time. It hurts. It sears. It burns. But second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, it gets easier to deal with. Don’t get me wrong, the tears and rage will still come. It is pure grief. I’ll tell you, the grief cycle is real, and I may go through all the stages within a minutes’ time. I’m learning this is normal. 

The most important thing is: you have to do what’s right for you! Take advice from others, and say thank you. Ultimately, however, it’s what your gut and heart tell you to do.

I have now been there. If you are going through this, and just need a listening ear, I am here. No judging. You’ll make it through. I promise. It won’t be easy, but you’ll make it. Do not harm yourself. That just means they’ve won. Reach out for help. Like I said, I’m always here.

Sicky sick, Father’s Day, and wormholes

I have been so, so sick this weekend. Thank God J made me go to the doctor in Friday, because it would have only gotten worse, and I can’t imagine much worse. Everyone else had allergies, but thanks to Imuran (my immunosuppressant), it turned into bronchitis with a weird ear infection in the ear I can’t feel. Then I mixed that up with a little puking, and it just rounded out an otherwise boring weekend. I have to mix it up a bit sometimes. Now, I’m done with my turn on the Ferris wheel 🎡 of sickness. It’s somebody else’s turn to take a ride! (Nobody at this house!!)

This is what sick looks like.

So, once again, I am way behind in every aspect of writing in my life. But, guess what … it’s okay! It a new week, time for new starts!!
Father’s Day and Andrew’s birthday are coming up. Poor Andrew. It was on the eve of his birthday I first went to the Randolph ER by ambulance. (What a frickin joke all around.) So, I want to do something special for him this year. We don’t have the $$ to do what he wants (Wonderworks in Pigeon Forge). He has wanted that the last 2 birthdays, and thanks to ME, we can’t go. How do I break that to him again?!? And, what the heck do I do instead that’s fun, but cheap (or free is better)?

I mean, Come on!! How do I say, “We can’t afford it this year,” to that?!?

What about Father’s Day? Here’s where I get weird and superstitious. I had the perfect idea for my dad last year, even bought all the components, and then BOOM! Life changed. He never got his gift. And, J’s gift was spending time with me in the hospital. Yes, I’m scared. Yes, I’m stupid for being superstitious, but neither one is getting a gift until AFTER Father’s Day this year. I also have no idea for J. Neither of them are MEN MEN. Hunting, fishing, grilling, sports, all a nope for both of them. 

I don’t have a decent picture of them together, so here is a good reminder.

So I was looking around Facebook, at different sites, blogs, and pictures for ideas regarding this upcoming week? MAN!! There are some wormholes up in Facebook land!! I was reading (too long) about beets, and that brought me to bath bombs and crafts, which led me to house fires and sweet tea, which led me to Eddie Vedder (it ALWAYS comes back to Eddie Vedder), which lead me to Chris Cornell. Sad way to end my search, but it was 12:00am when I started. When I looked up, it was 3am!! What?!? Wormholes. They get you every time!! AND … I still have no idea what the week will bring!! It will be a surprise for all of us. 

Well, I have a date with dreamland! Until next time. Pay that stuff forward!! Be happy … life is to short. Make others happy. There is absolutely no need to bring others down. Remember, those that are abrasive with you are people too. You never know what they are going through in the background. Your’s may be the only smile and kind word they have all day. ❤️

See you there!!

Disney Dreaming …

It has been over a year since I have been to Disney World. So much has changed since I have been: the hat was taken down at the Studios, Avatar was added (is that what it’s called?), Wishes was replaced, the Caribbean hotel got a refresh … I’m sure there’s more.

I have the itch though. Anyone who loves Disney knows, and has felt this itch. I want to go back home. Of course, I mean Disney World.

I thought I’d be back to work by now. We promised the kids, the first thing we would do when I was better is plan a trip to Disney World. We all know how that has turned out. Boo. Instead of wallow in misery, we’ll talk about my top 5 things to do at Disney World. Top 5 will be hard, because there is so much greatness there. Here we go:

1) Chip ‘N Dale’s Campfire Sing-A-Long — I think they have this every night? We’ve never stayed at Fort Wilderness, but we’ve gone to this “free” event there multiple times. There are a couple fire pits, and you can buy “kits” to roast s’mores (Make sure you take cash!!). Chip ‘n Dale come out with camp counsellors, and everyone sings! There is then an outdoor movie you can enjoy under the stars. I will mention that this is weather dependent. We have been there when they have had to cancel for weather. Bummer!!!

2) Eat at Boma, Enjoy pool area at Animal Kingdom Lodge — Boma restaurant is located inside the Animal Kingdom Lodge. It is rather expensive, but I am pretty sure it’s considered a moderately priced hotel. We eat there at dinner time. It is a buffet that has all the different flavors of Africa. It is absolutely delicious!! My kids did not like it … but they hate everything. Before (or after, if we are running late) our reservations, we go back to the pool area. There are a lot of “hidden Mickeys” back there, as well as many overlooks for animals on the savanna. It is very cool, and even the kids lived that part!! It’s a must for every trip.

3) Used to be Wishes, but I imagine the new show is cool too. Of course, this is magical in the park, but watching it from the white sands of the Polynesian resort is amazing!! They turn off the lights outside, and play the music over the loud speaker. AMAZING!! And they have a lighted floating parade on the lagoon while the fireworks are going on. It is rather magical.

4) Splash Mountain — This requires a ticket to the Magic Kingdom park. This ride offers both a whimsical character story (Song of the South) and a thrill ride (the log-ride like hill at the end). It is so much fun! Word of advice: you will probably get wet! Plan for this. Also, this ride often has a LONG line. Fastpass it if you can!! Head there FIRST THING when the park opens, or hit it during Magic Hours if your eligible (and if you’re not eligible, you SHOULD BE STAYING ON PROPERTY).

5) Fantasmic — This show requires tickets to the Hollywood Studios. Get there EARLY for a good spot. Good spots are smack in the middle. Lower seats WILL get wet. This is the closing show at Hollywood Studios. It features Mickey Mouse and a movie scenes shown on spraying water. There are also canoes and a “parade” on the water. Be prepared for loud music, a gun battle, and brief fireworks at the end. So so magical. If you’re a sap like me, be prepared to tear up. 

There are so so many more things to enjoy at Disney World! What are some of your favorite??

Riddle Me This … Please

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*For the love!* 

I love to play the “What Movie is This From” game. It can be quotes, songs, people, etc. On my Facebook page a few days ago, I posted this:

NOBODY knew what this was from! I was shocked! It’s from The Karate Kid. It is like one of the most recognizable quotes from that movie. I thought it was an iconic movie, a movie that withstood time. Obviously I was incorrect. Literally nobody got it. I felt old. Have I just reached the point where nobody recognizes movies from my era? That is truly a depressing thought.

Then I posted this gem … in three different spots:

AGAIN, NOBODY has been able to guess it. I’m floored! I thought this one, for sure, would be guessed immediately. I’m not even going to tell you what it’s from. If you know it, comment the answer. If you don’t know it, we may not be able to be friends anymore. *just kidding*

Let’s try this one:

*Whew* It was hard finding something without naughty words in it!

Please, please get the last two. You don’t want me to cry. It’s not pretty.

Okay, without Googling, guess! I dare you!!

These are a few of my favorite things …

In an effort to keep my mind off the shooting pains in my head, I’m going to focus on some of my favorite things.

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  1. LuLaRoe . If you haven’t jumped on this bandwagon yet, find a consultant, and start with a pair of leggings. There are a few people that have reported pinholes in the leggings, but they have a great return/exchange policy. If you want to keep them, there is an easy fix using fabric tape and an iron. Join the addiction!!

    Leggings!!

  2. AP24 Toothpaste. I love this toothpaste! It tastes like a vanilla tic-tac, isn’t gritty at all, and is okay for my sensitive teeth. It’s not a whitening toothpaste, but it helps lift stains, getting teeth back to their original color. I noticed a difference after four uses!! Most people notice a difference in two weeks. If you use it, take a before picture!! That way you can really see the difference.

    Both outside, in full sunlight

  3. Moodstruck Mineral Powder by Younique. I am so upset this has been discontinued. Now, once their out their out. This makes great eyeshadow. A little goes a long way. It can also be patted on top of wet nail polish to give a custom color, it can be used on lipstick to ombré them or change the color, it can also be streaked in hair for a fun pop of color. I’m sad it’s going.

    Saying goodbye

  4. Erin Condren Planner. I was lucky to catch these when they were on BIG sale. You can get a plethora of covers, different layouts, and even customize them with your name, favorite quote, etc. if you have to plan your life, like I do, this is a great resource to have.

    From the Erin Condren website

  5. Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino in a bottle. At 260 calories per bottle, it makes a good snack. It is filling, and it has coffee in it, so BONUS!! I am so dang addicted.

    Mocha, Mocha, Mocha

  6. Tsum Tsum stuffed animals. I used to think, what’s so special? But they are so cute! And, they stack!! I am partial to the Disney characters, but I have a couple Ty ones that were given to me. They are just as cute as can be!!

    Tsum Tsums … I want them all!!

  7. Pop! Figurines. I am such a child! Again.  I am partial to the Disney Characters, but they are all pretty darn cute. I need. Bigger house (and a bigger paycheck) just so I can collect these!!

    I mean, come on! (Photo from Disney)

  8. Paparazzi Jewelry. Addicted! $5!! They have necklaces that come with earrings, bracelets (my favorite), hair thingies, rings, and I’m sure I’m forgetting something. At $5, you’d think they are bad quality, but NO! They are great!

    From the Paparazzi page

  9. Hallmark Channel. Everyone knows this is the channel to watch at Christmas! But, I love to watch it every night. Last Man Standing, The Middle, and other fun shows that I can watch with my kids in the room! 

    Last Man Standing, which I just found out was cancelled from regular syndication. Travesty!

  10. Irish Nachos from J. Gilligans. *cry, sob* I haven’t had these in like 5 years. Cheesy, potatoey, oniony, jalapeñoy, ranchy, sour creamy goodness.

    *cry, cry, cry, cry, cry*

I was not sponsored by any of these products … though, if any of the brands WANT to do a sponsored post, I would welcome it! I just love these things, so I’m sharing them with you. 

Let me know if you try, and what you think of these gems. Until then, be kind, smile, and pay forward the goodness.

*I am technically a Younique presenter, but there are only like four products I would endorse. The mineral pigments were one of them. 😞