It’s my blog. I can vent if I want to.

Some days are hard. Living in this broken body sucks more than you know. It’s more broken than some of you will ever understand. I will never, ever see people that knew me before. I mean, of course I will see the people around here. I have no choice in that. But, I will never go back and see those that knew me before. I can’t walk right. I can’t run. I can’t even hop. I can’t walk upstairs without help, I can’t walk downstairs without help. I have trouble writing, and I have trouble with all hand eye coordination activities. I talk with a slur. I get worn out very quickly. I look different. It breaks my heart a little. 

I know everybody is probably sick of me talking about it. But, It is what it is. I want to go back in time about 10 years. I want to be friends with, and know people from before. It just isn’t going to happen.

I’m not excusing it at all, but I sort of don’t blame people or persons for things that have happened recently. Who knows, if it was me, it might’ve happened too. I take that back. It most definitely would not have happened. I can understand though. I am so broken, it’s hard to be around me. I’m not the same person.

I mean, I am exactly the same person inside, but outside I am broken. On the outside I am a freak show.

I know, I know. Beauty is on the inside, not on the outside. But, let’s be honest, that’s bull crap. Maybe I am still cool on the inside. But, I’m so messed up on the outside it’s hard to see the inside.

It makes me sad. It makes me mad. And just couple that with recent events. I am a mess.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the way I acted and the way I was when I was younger that has caused this. Not caused this really, but maybe it’s the reason this has been allowed. I was mean, I was cruel, I was uncaring, I was a bit narcissistic. I was awful. If you were in the path of that, I truly am sorry. I did it out of bad self-esteem and self loathing. That doesn’t excuse it. But, again, it is what what it is.

OK, let’s end this on a positive note. The sun is shining, I am alive, I have kids that love me. I’ll get through it like always, it’s just a bad day. I am feeling very very very very broken.

💜💜

Infidelity

I have submitted this elsewhere. If they choose to publish it, I will take it down. This is my voice. This is me screaming what I can’t.

——————–

For the briefest of seconds the earth stands still, and all is right, all is good. You can feel it, though. It’s too right.

In an instant, with the next breath, the earth starts spinning, a little too fast and slightly off its axis. The ground starts angrily shaking, and you can see a fissure where you just know, in your soul, the ground is going to open up and try to consume you. It is angry, and it wants to swallow you whole. You grasp for anything to hold onto as you feel the spinning of the earth and the pull toward devastation.

You can’t breathe. There is no air. You gasp to get air into your lungs, but it just isn’t there. Your stomach turns, and you feel the anger in there too, fighting to overtake. You have the strangest feeling of absolute loss of control over your body. You’re going to wretch in this spinning, angry, airless space.

You can actually feel your heart fracturing. Your insides are burning, and the ground continues to violently spin and shake. You look from left to right, but there is nobody to cling to, nobody that can rescue you from this. The ground is wanting and waiting to consume the fragile, broken body that was created in a blink.

You’d give anything to go back 15 minutes, before your world changed forever. You’d give anything not to know. You’d give anything to know it all.

You can’t.

Stop. You can’t know anymore.

But, there’s so much more to hear. Little pieces, like a puzzle, that slowly come together and start to make sense. So many lies, that in the midst of this violent, angry world in which you’ve been thrust, start to become truths.

Everything is upside down, and, through tears of anger, rage, loss, and love, friendships become little jokes, and you are the punchline.

This is what infidelity feels like.

Your best friend, in the blink of a tear-stained eye, becomes a complete stranger. This person with whom you’ve been intimate and shared your most private secrets, becomes someone you don’t know at all.

Not only do you lose the life you thought was perfect, you lose your best friend, your lover, your safety and security.

You feel violated in the worst way.

How do you go back?

There is no going back.

Even if forgiveness is possible, it still happened. There is no taking it back.

Utter devistation, destruction, hurt, violation, and loss. That’s all you have.

How do reconcile this and make it okay?

Maybe you don’t. Maybe you can’t.
——————–

There is no black and white. There is no manual that tells you how to get through this. It has to be taken one second at a time. It hurts. It sears. It burns. But second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, it gets easier to deal with. Don’t get me wrong, the tears and rage will still come. It is pure grief. I’ll tell you, the grief cycle is real, and I may go through all the stages within a minutes’ time. I’m learning this is normal. 

The most important thing is: you have to do what’s right for you! Take advice from others, and say thank you. Ultimately, however, it’s what your gut and heart tell you to do.

I have now been there. If you are going through this, and just need a listening ear, I am here. No judging. You’ll make it through. I promise. It won’t be easy, but you’ll make it. Do not harm yourself. That just means they’ve won. Reach out for help. Like I said, I’m always here.

Sicky sick, Father’s Day, and wormholes

I have been so, so sick this weekend. Thank God J made me go to the doctor in Friday, because it would have only gotten worse, and I can’t imagine much worse. Everyone else had allergies, but thanks to Imuran (my immunosuppressant), it turned into bronchitis with a weird ear infection in the ear I can’t feel. Then I mixed that up with a little puking, and it just rounded out an otherwise boring weekend. I have to mix it up a bit sometimes. Now, I’m done with my turn on the Ferris wheel 🎡 of sickness. It’s somebody else’s turn to take a ride! (Nobody at this house!!)

This is what sick looks like.

So, once again, I am way behind in every aspect of writing in my life. But, guess what … it’s okay! It a new week, time for new starts!!
Father’s Day and Andrew’s birthday are coming up. Poor Andrew. It was on the eve of his birthday I first went to the Randolph ER by ambulance. (What a frickin joke all around.) So, I want to do something special for him this year. We don’t have the $$ to do what he wants (Wonderworks in Pigeon Forge). He has wanted that the last 2 birthdays, and thanks to ME, we can’t go. How do I break that to him again?!? And, what the heck do I do instead that’s fun, but cheap (or free is better)?

I mean, Come on!! How do I say, “We can’t afford it this year,” to that?!?

What about Father’s Day? Here’s where I get weird and superstitious. I had the perfect idea for my dad last year, even bought all the components, and then BOOM! Life changed. He never got his gift. And, J’s gift was spending time with me in the hospital. Yes, I’m scared. Yes, I’m stupid for being superstitious, but neither one is getting a gift until AFTER Father’s Day this year. I also have no idea for J. Neither of them are MEN MEN. Hunting, fishing, grilling, sports, all a nope for both of them. 

I don’t have a decent picture of them together, so here is a good reminder.

So I was looking around Facebook, at different sites, blogs, and pictures for ideas regarding this upcoming week? MAN!! There are some wormholes up in Facebook land!! I was reading (too long) about beets, and that brought me to bath bombs and crafts, which led me to house fires and sweet tea, which led me to Eddie Vedder (it ALWAYS comes back to Eddie Vedder), which lead me to Chris Cornell. Sad way to end my search, but it was 12:00am when I started. When I looked up, it was 3am!! What?!? Wormholes. They get you every time!! AND … I still have no idea what the week will bring!! It will be a surprise for all of us. 

Well, I have a date with dreamland! Until next time. Pay that stuff forward!! Be happy … life is to short. Make others happy. There is absolutely no need to bring others down. Remember, those that are abrasive with you are people too. You never know what they are going through in the background. Your’s may be the only smile and kind word they have all day. ❤️

See you there!!

Disney Dreaming …

It has been over a year since I have been to Disney World. So much has changed since I have been: the hat was taken down at the Studios, Avatar was added (is that what it’s called?), Wishes was replaced, the Caribbean hotel got a refresh … I’m sure there’s more.

I have the itch though. Anyone who loves Disney knows, and has felt this itch. I want to go back home. Of course, I mean Disney World.

I thought I’d be back to work by now. We promised the kids, the first thing we would do when I was better is plan a trip to Disney World. We all know how that has turned out. Boo. Instead of wallow in misery, we’ll talk about my top 5 things to do at Disney World. Top 5 will be hard, because there is so much greatness there. Here we go:

1) Chip ‘N Dale’s Campfire Sing-A-Long — I think they have this every night? We’ve never stayed at Fort Wilderness, but we’ve gone to this “free” event there multiple times. There are a couple fire pits, and you can buy “kits” to roast s’mores (Make sure you take cash!!). Chip ‘n Dale come out with camp counsellors, and everyone sings! There is then an outdoor movie you can enjoy under the stars. I will mention that this is weather dependent. We have been there when they have had to cancel for weather. Bummer!!!

2) Eat at Boma, Enjoy pool area at Animal Kingdom Lodge — Boma restaurant is located inside the Animal Kingdom Lodge. It is rather expensive, but I am pretty sure it’s considered a moderately priced hotel. We eat there at dinner time. It is a buffet that has all the different flavors of Africa. It is absolutely delicious!! My kids did not like it … but they hate everything. Before (or after, if we are running late) our reservations, we go back to the pool area. There are a lot of “hidden Mickeys” back there, as well as many overlooks for animals on the savanna. It is very cool, and even the kids lived that part!! It’s a must for every trip.

3) Used to be Wishes, but I imagine the new show is cool too. Of course, this is magical in the park, but watching it from the white sands of the Polynesian resort is amazing!! They turn off the lights outside, and play the music over the loud speaker. AMAZING!! And they have a lighted floating parade on the lagoon while the fireworks are going on. It is rather magical.

4) Splash Mountain — This requires a ticket to the Magic Kingdom park. This ride offers both a whimsical character story (Song of the South) and a thrill ride (the log-ride like hill at the end). It is so much fun! Word of advice: you will probably get wet! Plan for this. Also, this ride often has a LONG line. Fastpass it if you can!! Head there FIRST THING when the park opens, or hit it during Magic Hours if your eligible (and if you’re not eligible, you SHOULD BE STAYING ON PROPERTY).

5) Fantasmic — This show requires tickets to the Hollywood Studios. Get there EARLY for a good spot. Good spots are smack in the middle. Lower seats WILL get wet. This is the closing show at Hollywood Studios. It features Mickey Mouse and a movie scenes shown on spraying water. There are also canoes and a “parade” on the water. Be prepared for loud music, a gun battle, and brief fireworks at the end. So so magical. If you’re a sap like me, be prepared to tear up. 

There are so so many more things to enjoy at Disney World! What are some of your favorite??

Riddle Me This … Please

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*For the love!* 

I love to play the “What Movie is This From” game. It can be quotes, songs, people, etc. On my Facebook page a few days ago, I posted this:

NOBODY knew what this was from! I was shocked! It’s from The Karate Kid. It is like one of the most recognizable quotes from that movie. I thought it was an iconic movie, a movie that withstood time. Obviously I was incorrect. Literally nobody got it. I felt old. Have I just reached the point where nobody recognizes movies from my era? That is truly a depressing thought.

Then I posted this gem … in three different spots:

AGAIN, NOBODY has been able to guess it. I’m floored! I thought this one, for sure, would be guessed immediately. I’m not even going to tell you what it’s from. If you know it, comment the answer. If you don’t know it, we may not be able to be friends anymore. *just kidding*

Let’s try this one:

*Whew* It was hard finding something without naughty words in it!

Please, please get the last two. You don’t want me to cry. It’s not pretty.

Okay, without Googling, guess! I dare you!!

These are a few of my favorite things …

In an effort to keep my mind off the shooting pains in my head, I’m going to focus on some of my favorite things.

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  1. LuLaRoe . If you haven’t jumped on this bandwagon yet, find a consultant, and start with a pair of leggings. There are a few people that have reported pinholes in the leggings, but they have a great return/exchange policy. If you want to keep them, there is an easy fix using fabric tape and an iron. Join the addiction!!

    Leggings!!

  2. AP24 Toothpaste. I love this toothpaste! It tastes like a vanilla tic-tac, isn’t gritty at all, and is okay for my sensitive teeth. It’s not a whitening toothpaste, but it helps lift stains, getting teeth back to their original color. I noticed a difference after four uses!! Most people notice a difference in two weeks. If you use it, take a before picture!! That way you can really see the difference.

    Both outside, in full sunlight

  3. Moodstruck Mineral Powder by Younique. I am so upset this has been discontinued. Now, once their out their out. This makes great eyeshadow. A little goes a long way. It can also be patted on top of wet nail polish to give a custom color, it can be used on lipstick to ombré them or change the color, it can also be streaked in hair for a fun pop of color. I’m sad it’s going.

    Saying goodbye

  4. Erin Condren Planner. I was lucky to catch these when they were on BIG sale. You can get a plethora of covers, different layouts, and even customize them with your name, favorite quote, etc. if you have to plan your life, like I do, this is a great resource to have.

    From the Erin Condren website

  5. Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino in a bottle. At 260 calories per bottle, it makes a good snack. It is filling, and it has coffee in it, so BONUS!! I am so dang addicted.

    Mocha, Mocha, Mocha

  6. Tsum Tsum stuffed animals. I used to think, what’s so special? But they are so cute! And, they stack!! I am partial to the Disney characters, but I have a couple Ty ones that were given to me. They are just as cute as can be!!

    Tsum Tsums … I want them all!!

  7. Pop! Figurines. I am such a child! Again.  I am partial to the Disney Characters, but they are all pretty darn cute. I need. Bigger house (and a bigger paycheck) just so I can collect these!!

    I mean, come on! (Photo from Disney)

  8. Paparazzi Jewelry. Addicted! $5!! They have necklaces that come with earrings, bracelets (my favorite), hair thingies, rings, and I’m sure I’m forgetting something. At $5, you’d think they are bad quality, but NO! They are great!

    From the Paparazzi page

  9. Hallmark Channel. Everyone knows this is the channel to watch at Christmas! But, I love to watch it every night. Last Man Standing, The Middle, and other fun shows that I can watch with my kids in the room! 

    Last Man Standing, which I just found out was cancelled from regular syndication. Travesty!

  10. Irish Nachos from J. Gilligans. *cry, sob* I haven’t had these in like 5 years. Cheesy, potatoey, oniony, jalapeñoy, ranchy, sour creamy goodness.

    *cry, cry, cry, cry, cry*

I was not sponsored by any of these products … though, if any of the brands WANT to do a sponsored post, I would welcome it! I just love these things, so I’m sharing them with you. 

Let me know if you try, and what you think of these gems. Until then, be kind, smile, and pay forward the goodness.

*I am technically a Younique presenter, but there are only like four products I would endorse. The mineral pigments were one of them. 😞

Oops! I slacked. I am a slacker.

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Well, I broke my streak. I fell asleep early last night, which NEVER happens, and didn’t get to post a blog. Never fear, I shall flog myself repeatedly, and post twice today for the slip in character.

Let’s talk stroke symptoms for a moment. GREAT, SOMETHING NEW! I know, I have droned on about this subject for a year now. In my defense, it’s always something new and different. Fun, fun, fun!

I am done with weekly visits to the hospital!

As we all know, I stopped the chemo, and am now on an oral immunosuppressant. They are hoping to see increased improvement and normalcy with my symptoms as they ease me off the Prednisone and focus on the immunosuppressant.
Some things have returned to normal. I have less of a prednisone body/face, my appetite has decreased dramatically, and I miraculously (TMI alert) started my period. The latter was completely unexpected.

Some things have gotten worse. My balance is worse than ever. My walking has gotten wonkier. My eye is more droopy than it has been in a long time. I’m lucky I don’t get mistaken for being publicly intoxicated on the rare occasion I get out.

Notice my right eye. On a positive note, I’m outside!!

Some symptoms have popped up out of nowhere, and I’m not a fan. I’m having shooting pain around my right eye socket. Every once in a while it feels like I’m being stabbed with an icepick from my right eye, into my hairline. The right side of my throat has become very temperature sensitive. I am also having this super-fun experience of being extremely cold sensitive on the right side of my face. When anyone touches me, even with a room- temperature hand, my face registers it as cold. It causes intense shooting pins and needles where I’ve been touched.

Is this normal? I don’t know. Have I told the doctors? Nope. They won’t know if it’s normal either. What I have is so rare, I’m like a guinea pig for all of this. They would just order ANOTHER MRI, and I just had one!

I will say, the shooting pains are intense, and annoying. That part just started today. 

On a positive note: I’m still alive. This is all for a reason. I can take it.

I can do it! You can do hard things too!


I really should be doing my therapy consistently. I do some one day, and then something different the next day. I need to just get my butt in gear, and focus on getting better. That is, ultimately, my job right now.  

It is time for me to say: Be kind. Make wise choices. Calmly use your words. Spread happiness, not hate. I love you all!

Falling trees and disappearing makeup

The kids were at school, J was at the YMCA, and I was catching up on sleep. Something woke me up, but I didn’t realize it had awoken me. I didn’t even know anything had happened. 

I woke up, and the TV was off. It was on when I went to sleep, so I assumed my dog walked over the remote, inadvertently turning the TV off. But wait. The fan was off too. The fan is always on. I slowly began to realize the power was out. *ugh* Had we paid the bill? It took me a minute to wake up and think, of course I paid the bill.

It took about 3 full minutes before I realized the power was out.

 I looked outside. A giant tree, which was probably a sapling during the Civil War, had uprooted, and fallen across the street, taking down the cable and power lines, and hitting the house of the elderly couple across the street. 

This happened six years ago, only the tree took out both mine and my husband’s cars … both totaled. Thank God there was no MAJOR damage this time. It clipped some shingles in the house across the street.

Snooping out the window at the tree across the road.

 When the tree fell into OUR yard, the City said it wasn’t their responsibility to clean it up. They left the full tree in our yard, crushing our cars. This time, I guess the City had a change of heart, because they showed up and cleaned most of it up.

Tractor!!

 Thus was our excitement today. The power was out for about two hours, the cable for about four. We were all going a little stir crazy. #firstworldproblems

My husband will kill me for posting this, but Andrew was very upset the TV was not working.

 Never fear, we are back to normal now!!

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please Pardon This Sounding Salesy. I Hate Salesy. I Have To Share This, Though!

You may or may not know I (sort of) sell Younique. There are certain products I don’t like, and if you ask me, I’d be happy to tell you what they are. BUT, I was devastated today to find out they are stopping the production of the loose mineral pigments. Next to the reformulated 3D mascara, these are my favorite. I normally don’t even mention that I am a presenter, but I want everyone who wants, to get them while they last. They are only $12.50 a piece, and they ship right to your door. If you want them, get some here.

*Crying in my cheerios*

For those that don’t know, these are totally versatile pigments. They can be put on freshly-painted nails to add color. They can be added after a lipgloss to give an ombré lip, or totally change the color. They can also be used as a temporary fun hair color.

I’d be happy to suggest how to use these colors. A little goes a LONG way. I guess I should mention you can use these on your eyes too.

You won’t see me advertise much at all on this page, but this is special.  I promise you, you’ll want some of these before they are gone! I bought some YEARS ago, and they have lasted!

Sometimes the best plans get the stomach bug – So music!!

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Today was going to be all about crafting for my Unbirthday swaps, but the DREADED STOMACH BUG hit our house last night. So that will have to be postponed. HOWEVER, as long as we are in the subject:

*Any ideas are coveted and appreciated!!*

So, tonight, we are going to focus on music. If you had to pick your TOP TEN FAVORITE SONGS OF ALL TIME, could you do it? I don’t mean your favorite “this week.” I mean your favorite of ALL TIME, no takesies backsies.

It’s harder than you think!! Think of ALL the music that you love. Could you narrow it down to ten? I’m going to try. *gulp*

  1. Would – Alice In Chains
  2. Hunger Strike – Temple of the Dog
  3. Comfortably Numb – Pink Floyd
  4. Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd
  5. Daughter – Pearl Jam
  6. Black – Pearl Jam
  7. Still Remains – STP
  8. Tyler – The Toadies
  9. Nothing Else Matters- Metallica
  10. Take a Look at Me Now – Phil Collins

Okay. That was in no particular order, and I just rattled them off. That can’t be ten already! I don’t have anything in there by the Beatles, or Janice, or Blue October, or Stained, or Depeche Mode, or Michael Jackson, or Justin Timberlake. There are about a million songs I need to fit on that list. 

Maybe I should break it up: Top Ten Dance Songs, Top Ten Disney Songs, Top Ten Emo Feelin’ Songs, Top Ten Soundtrack Songs, Top Ten Road Trip Songs, Top Ten Worship Songs, Top Ten Beatles Songs, Top Ten Boom-Chicka-Wow-Wow Songs … The list could be endless!! 

*Lost track of time there.*

Wow, I just fell down the wormhole that is YouTube! Please tell me you do that! I also started googling pictures of everyone who has died on that list. So depressing.

I’m going to leave y’all to be kind and considerate to your fellow humans. Pay that goodness forward.

Now, I’m going to go listen to my Grunge playlist. 

Normal is a double edged sword

Count me in the normal category again, if by only one crappy thing. I have never rejoiced and cringed at the some time before. I did today!

Tmi alert. I’m gifting you the knowledge that tabu subject matter is coming up right now!

*Fair warning … look away*

After TEN months of not having my period, after being told I had gone through early menopause, I *kind of* started my period today. Believe you me, I wrote this day in my calendar, because it is one more step to normal, which the doctors counted as done. Doctors are NOT always right … even the best ones.

*yippeeeeeee*

I never thought I’d be happy to have blood coming out my vagina, but I can’t explain to you how elated I was! That was quickly followed by Oh crap. Which was then followed by elation again.

*Oh crap!*

See, it’s not like I want more kids. In fact, I’ve been told not to have any, because the chemo altered my DNA. Then there is the whole oral immunosuppressant. Who knows what damage that is doing. But, I feel like a half-way normal woman for my age again! 

Just that minute amount of blood, three times I might add, made me smile. You don’t know what it’s like to think it’s just all over. To think you’ve been forced, again, into something you have no control over is dehumanizing. I rejoice and welcome the cramps this month. If my brain can remember to start my period (I don’t remember, does the brain do that? If not, don’t tell me. Let me live this fantasy!) … if my brain can coordinate my period to start, maybe there’s hope for my walking and talking.

*The brain bone’s connected to the uterus bone. The nose bone’s connected to the face bone …*

Thank you, Jesus, for small, disgusting miracles!! I could jump for joy! I’m on my way to becoming human again! Hooray for blood!!

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