I have submitted this elsewhere. If they choose to publish it, I will take it down. This is my voice. This is me screaming what I can’t.


For the briefest of seconds the earth stands still, and all is right, all is good. You can feel it, though. It’s too right.

In an instant, with the next breath, the earth starts spinning, a little too fast and slightly off its axis. The ground starts angrily shaking, and you can see a fissure where you just know, in your soul, the ground is going to open up and try to consume you. It is angry, and it wants to swallow you whole. You grasp for anything to hold onto as you feel the spinning of the earth and the pull toward devastation.

You can’t breathe. There is no air. You gasp to get air into your lungs, but it just isn’t there. Your stomach turns, and you feel the anger in there too, fighting to overtake. You have the strangest feeling of absolute loss of control over your body. You’re going to wretch in this spinning, angry, airless space.

You can actually feel your heart fracturing. Your insides are burning, and the ground continues to violently spin and shake. You look from left to right, but there is nobody to cling to, nobody that can rescue you from this. The ground is wanting and waiting to consume the fragile, broken body that was created in a blink.

You’d give anything to go back 15 minutes, before your world changed forever. You’d give anything not to know. You’d give anything to know it all.

You can’t.

Stop. You can’t know anymore.

But, there’s so much more to hear. Little pieces, like a puzzle, that slowly come together and start to make sense. So many lies, that in the midst of this violent, angry world in which you’ve been thrust, start to become truths.

Everything is upside down, and, through tears of anger, rage, loss, and love, friendships become little jokes, and you are the punchline.

This is what infidelity feels like.

Your best friend, in the blink of a tear-stained eye, becomes a complete stranger. This person with whom you’ve been intimate and shared your most private secrets, becomes someone you don’t know at all.

Not only do you lose the life you thought was perfect, you lose your best friend, your lover, your safety and security.

You feel violated in the worst way.

How do you go back?

There is no going back.

Even if forgiveness is possible, it still happened. There is no taking it back.

Utter devistation, destruction, hurt, violation, and loss. That’s all you have.

How do reconcile this and make it okay?

Maybe you don’t. Maybe you can’t.

There is no black and white. There is no manual that tells you how to get through this. It has to be taken one second at a time. It hurts. It sears. It burns. But second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, it gets easier to deal with. Don’t get me wrong, the tears and rage will still come. It is pure grief. I’ll tell you, the grief cycle is real, and I may go through all the stages within a minutes’ time. I’m learning this is normal. 

The most important thing is: you have to do what’s right for you! Take advice from others, and say thank you. Ultimately, however, it’s what your gut and heart tell you to do.

I have now been there. If you are going through this, and just need a listening ear, I am here. No judging. You’ll make it through. I promise. It won’t be easy, but you’ll make it. Do not harm yourself. That just means they’ve won. Reach out for help. Like I said, I’m always here.

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  1. Beautifully written, I can feel how raw n deep the raw pain goes.
    Praying for u everyday, n wish i could take this from u n carry it for ya for awhile……
    remember ur not alone either Mandy, if u need anything at all. U know where to find me…..hugs beatiful friend!
    I’m proud of ur bravery.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have been there too many times for me to count. I felt every. Single. Feeling. And thought, that you wrote about. Each and every time. And I did throw up. Each time. It’s a total body/mind reaction. I have no real words of advice. I am so extremely sorry that this happened in your marriage. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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