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It makes me sad to look at my Timehop app from this week, last year. We had so much fun. It was perfect!! I went from three months of intense headaches, to this interim week. Only, I didn’t know it was an interim week at the time.
This week felt like the skies had parted. I had NO HEADACHE. I made the comment to my family, “Thank God. I think my headaches are done. I feel great!” We played in the sand, played at the pool, went out to restaurants, and just completely enjoyed each other.
I really think God let me have these days, because he knew what was coming.
I’ve been reflecting on this time a lot today. It wasn’t this trip, but the one coming up that will mark our last trip … my last moments as a completely functional human, my last weeks as an operating room nurse, my last weeks as a fully-involved mommy and wife.
It was after this trip that the vertigo started, the vertigo that everybody thought I was either faking, or just overworking myself and tired. The scariest time in my life. The time when I was dragged through hell by doctor upon doctor that didn’t believe me (Thank you, Amy Moon for being the ONLY medical personnel who believed something was wrong from the beginning!).
Forever, I referred to this time as the beginning of the end. I thought my life was over. I dwelled on the fact that I was a burden to everybody. I saw no use for my existence, other than to suck up every bit of savings we had for medical bills.
We had people coming out of the woodwork to help us, but when you are living in such a broken body, it’s hard to see the light. I appreciated every single bit of help we recieved, but at the same time, I was mourning the life I lost.
Gosh. That seems like a lifetime ago.
I was reminded today by a sweet friend, that it was not the beginning of the end, but the beginning of the beginning. My life has changed immensely in this year. I have started writing, something I’ve always loved but been too afraid to pursue. I am a free-lance writer for two sites currently. I also have this blog, help my mom and dad with each of their Facebook sites, and moderate for another site. All things I love, all things I would have never done if it weren’t for my world changing so dramatically.
I’ve also met some people online that are kindred spirits, who I would not know if it weren’t for this year of “hell.”
Looking back, I’m grateful for everything that has transpired this year. Do I wish I could walk, talk, and write better? Sure! Do I miss driving? So badly it hurts some days. Do I miss being the mommy I was to my kids? Yes. Do I miss being an equal partner to my husband? Yes. Do I still have a long way to go? YES! But, I’ve also come a long way. I want to cry when I see videos of myself from when this first happened. I have come SO FAR, even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. And, it’s funny, but I wouldn’t take it back.
My life is COMPLETELY different now, but God knows what he’s doing. Sometimes it takes something BIG to get our attention. Well, He has my attention, now!
Bring on the next year! I can’t wait to see what’s in store for this “broken,” former nurse from North Carolina.
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