I wrote this article back in December. I’m not going to lie, it made me a bit sad. I’m the one who lived it … is living it. It made me a little mad. Even small hospitals are trained to recognize stroke symptoms. It’s doctor/nursing/cna 101. They have posters in every room depicting what to watch for in case of stroke. They just didn’t. All in all, it took 4 months before they came up with a real diagnosis; 4 months before anyone, but my sweet primary care nurse practitioner, would believe there was really something wrong enough to do something about it!
It’s been almost a year now, 10 months to be exact, since my diangnosis. The doctors still aren’t 100% sure I have Primary CNS Angiatis, but they are treating it like that. Which means, they really don’t know how to treat it. I love my doctors, don’t get me wrong, but I’m tired of “trying” things to see if they work. I’m tired of seeing my mom break down into sobs, because she knows the reality is that I could die at any given minute. She doesn’t want to lose another daughter.
Now, I know God spared me. I am convinced there is a greater purpose for my life. I may feel angry, claustrophobic, and depressed some days, but God’s got this. I may lash out, scream, cry, and wonder why. God’s a big boy (no disrespect intended), He can take it. He knows I’m just weary … like a child needing a nap.
There is NOTHING I can fear that my God can’t handle. Psalm 91 is my mantra. I have to pray it, think it, dwell on it … I even have it stenciled on a wall at my house.
If you don’t believe, I’m sorry. I understand. I grew up in a backwards, superficial religion (again, no disrespect intended). In many ways, that religion was my foundation, which is good. But, in MORE ways, it just confused me and made me question too many things. I recommend you read Collosians and Galations. Know this is a history book. This stuff happened. These chapters really hit home for me.
Wow … I did not mean to go all religious on you. By the way, I am human. I love Jesus, but I cuss a little (okay, a lot). So don’t think I’m ever a hypocrite or a fake. I fully admit, I have flaws. BIG ONES. So, just go with it. I’m always sincere, and will speak what I believe.
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