It’s Been Awhile …

My poor little neglected blog. It has been a crazy, fast, busy, full month!!

No more chemo!! I have never been so torn between happy and scared!

On one hand, chemo made me feel awful. It made my hair fall out, gave me peripheral weakness, and knocked me on my butt for two- three weeks.

On the other hand, I now don’t have anything suppressing my immune system. What’s going to stop it from attacking itself again?

I am still on the Prednisone (which is supposed to help), but they are tapering me off of that. I started at 80mg a day, and I am now down to 17.5mg a day. Yes, I can tell a difference. A lot of the stroke symptoms have gotten worse (headaches, droopy eye, trouble walking, trembling legs, etc). Does this scare me? Yes! I am constantly afraid that I am stroking again. Every little twitch, every little pain, every little difference, and my anxiety goes into overdrive.

Droopy eye, thinning hair, puffy …

Honestly, I felt closer to God than ever after this happened, but now I am a bit apathetic. It has been about six months since I went to church, for whatever reason, and I can give you a lot of reasons. You come at me with a reason I should go, and I’ll shoot you down with an excuse. I am embarrassingly fat, I can’t walk right, I’m tired today, people will want to talk to me, and I don’t talk right, I can’t stay focused, I get too tired sitting up …

Queen of excuses!

I finally went tonight. It reminded me that I had to fully rely on God when all this happened, and I have to keep leaning on him for support through my recovery. It is the ONLY way to make it through. He spared me, and kept me alive for a reason. I just have trust, and find out what that reason is.

There is a reason He got me through nursing school, and helped me find the perfect job, just to rip it away from me two years later. Maybe I was to learn perseverance. Maybe it was to learn compassion.

Something I have forgotten over these months. Like J says, “Just own who you are and trust!”

I just have to lean back in closer, and trust. My life has been changing over the last month or so. Maybe all this happened to get me to this point?

Who knows. I know I still have more days where I hate what has happened, and I feel trapped in a broken body. But, I’m learning again that I can be more.

Thanks for sticking with me. I’m exited to see what the future holds!!

I don’t remember where I got this photo, but so true!

Join the Conversation


  1. Mandy…ur right, none of us know the exact reason n purpose this has happened in ur life.
    But from what I can tell, uve hit the head of everything like a hammer to a nail. Seriously.
    I can only speak for myself n I can honestly say…..u being a lol bit older than me, your perspective on ur illness n ur ability to b bold n share that a/all of us….is a huge inspiration, and courageous example of what us God kids shld n doing each day.
    Loving one another n living out the Journey God has called us for. Ur right where ur supposed to b n I SO thank the Lord for u n ur blog friend.
    Keep at it!!!!!
    Love u sweet lady!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Amanda,
    Maybe God is showing you all these things bc you are suppose to write and encourage others through the trials and tribulations you have endured. I have to believe that God has a reason and purpose for everything He does. I had much time to reflect on this the past month or so as I watched a sweet family go through a very difficult time with their oldest child and his heart transplant. Their 18 year old son braved the heart transplant only to have a failed body and ultimately lost his young life. I have drawn so close to God again lately bc all of these things that this sweet and amazing family have gone through, they still have stood strong in their faith. I believe that God places us in certain situations bc He wants us to trust Him solely. I struggle with this everyday myself but know that my life could be so much worse. Know that no matter what your trial or what valley you are in God is there to pull you through. You are an amazing person and I need to share one very prominent memory from my first meeting you. I told you what an amazing nurse you are and you responded that this was just “temporary” until you could write, that was really your dream. Maybe you have your answer now. Write sweet lady, educate all of us and share your story with the world. You have so many talents. Don’t let them go unexplored! Love you sweet friend! My prayers are with you always!
    Steph Sannipoli

    Liked by 1 person

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