My poor little neglected blog. It has been a crazy, fast, busy, full month!!
On one hand, chemo made me feel awful. It made my hair fall out, gave me peripheral weakness, and knocked me on my butt for two- three weeks.
On the other hand, I now don’t have anything suppressing my immune system. What’s going to stop it from attacking itself again?
I am still on the Prednisone (which is supposed to help), but they are tapering me off of that. I started at 80mg a day, and I am now down to 17.5mg a day. Yes, I can tell a difference. A lot of the stroke symptoms have gotten worse (headaches, droopy eye, trouble walking, trembling legs, etc). Does this scare me? Yes! I am constantly afraid that I am stroking again. Every little twitch, every little pain, every little difference, and my anxiety goes into overdrive.
Honestly, I felt closer to God than ever after this happened, but now I am a bit apathetic. It has been about six months since I went to church, for whatever reason, and I can give you a lot of reasons. You come at me with a reason I should go, and I’ll shoot you down with an excuse. I am embarrassingly fat, I can’t walk right, I’m tired today, people will want to talk to me, and I don’t talk right, I can’t stay focused, I get too tired sitting up …
I finally went tonight. It reminded me that I had to fully rely on God when all this happened, and I have to keep leaning on him for support through my recovery. It is the ONLY way to make it through. He spared me, and kept me alive for a reason. I just have trust, and find out what that reason is.
There is a reason He got me through nursing school, and helped me find the perfect job, just to rip it away from me two years later. Maybe I was to learn perseverance. Maybe it was to learn compassion.
I just have to lean back in closer, and trust. My life has been changing over the last month or so. Maybe all this happened to get me to this point?
Who knows. I know I still have more days where I hate what has happened, and I feel trapped in a broken body. But, I’m learning again that I can be more.
Thanks for sticking with me. I’m exited to see what the future holds!!