I had a bad day.
I know I said I was going to lie and tell everyone I was fine, but it was a bad day.
I was going to get on here and have a total (what’s a non-cussy word for “bitchfest”?) about how awful my life is. I actually uttered the words out loud, “I should have just died.” Let’s be honest, that was raw emotion in the moment, but wasn’t fair in any way to the recipient of my rant.
I feel/felt like I’m no good to anybody, and I’m a straight-up burden to my family. The ugly fact is, we now have basically no income. We have enough in savings to live approximately 4 months (not including birthdays and Christmas) if we don’t blow budget. Do you know how bad it makes a parent feel to have to say “no” to stupid small things (like a nicely asked-for sno-cone) that shouldn’t break the bank? Do you know how stressful it is to get ANOTHER bill, and have no way to pay it? SO that was a big focus of my grief. I was the “breadwinner,” now I’m the one who is wracking up the medical bills. I was in a place of feeling very,very sorry for myself.
I just wanted (and really only had the energy) to stay in my bed with my blankets pulled over my head.
I cried a lot.
But, then I made myself get out of bed to ride to get the kids from school (I felt MISERABLE, but I wanted to be there for them). We went to the park at the YMCA, and while I had to watch from the car, it made my day a little brighter.
Then the coolest thing happened …
Andrew, out of nowhere, brought me a leaf he picked special for me (hey, it’s the small things), and said, “Mommy, I want you to have this. I don’t think you look weird, and I love you.”
Out of the mouth of babes …
The story really could stop right there.
But, then I was perusing Instagram and Facebook, and came across these:
Coincidence? Maybe, but I needed them at the very moment I saw them.
I was still struggling with being a burden to my family. Then my dad randomly texted me this article.
Coincidence? Maybe. But, I know I can get through this. One-way-or-another. I may not be “myself” again (or I may be? Only time will tell.), but I am a value to my kids and family.
The rest will work itself out.